Tagged: Movies
Review of Blue Valentine, the Once NC-17 Ryan Gosling movie
Yesterday’s post didn’t command any likes. Instead, it garnered a lot of love. Thank you. The only way to get there is together.
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Even though I’ve seen how it’s done, I’m always amazed that a man with a full head of hair can be made to look like a man who is balding, Ryan Gosling is no exception. Like Charlize Theron in Monster, here we have a very attractive celebrity turned bum. Seriously fellas, if your lady-friend is a bit too enamored with the man, press play on Derek Cianfrance’s divorce exposé.
Not a new film, gossip clearly deters many would be viewers. Even with foreknowledge that it is going to be an uncompromising look at a close-to-home trial, it’s impossible to prepare for Valentine’s authenticity. And that’s what places it ahead of its preteen Judd Apatow et al. peers.
Spanning love’s spectrum, the movie passes through the always interesting topics of 1. single men and women’s respective concerns about love and marriage, 2. our undeniable wish for love-at-first-sight to make the jump from fairy tale land to factical life, and 3. a holy-shit-I-thought-that-was-just-something-that-happened-to-me disintegration of a relationship with ease.
And now a note to the MPAA: get it together. You’re not protecting anything but your jobs. Drop the letter system. Increase the descriptions. And allow movie-makers the opportunity to tell stories that have some basis in this world, not distract them with PG-13 revenues.
Make no mistake, this movie is not pleasant. Questions are not answered. But if you laugh at the saying, “Ignorance is bliss”, if you consider yourself a seeker, or if you’re the mother of a son and sometimes ask, “Are you sure you couldn’t have worked things out?” watch the movie. (It’s on Netflix.)
5 Reasons Why Sylvester Stallone Might Overtake Tom Cruise As Top Actor and 1 Thing TC Can Do To Ensure That Never Happens
1. Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6)
2. Rambo (Rambo 4)
3. The Expendables
4. The Expendables 2
5. The Expendables 3 (This time he’s pulled together Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford. And those are in addition to Arnold, Statham, Li, and Ivan Drago. Oh, and Kelsey Grammar, too.)
For any of you who haven’t seen “The Expendables” movies, you’re missing out. Missing out like I thought I was missing out in the late 80s and 90s. I hated that I couldn’t go see rated R movies. It seemed like every good movie was rated R and starred Stallone or Schwarzenegger. When I finally checked those movies out, man was I disappointed. Then Sly shocks the world with “Rocky Balboa” and “Rambo”, only to top them a few years later with “The Expendables”. The movies are over the top in every way imaginable. It’s a formula that can’t lose. Lose the ego, bring the heart, and have a little fun while you’re at it.
Tom–don’t worry. You’re still tops in my book. The easiest way to ensure you never lose the spot is follow Stallone’s lead and give us what we want. You know what I’m talking about TC. That’s right. It’s time for the sequel. (Cue the Anthem.)
Peter Jackson Finally Comes Clean: Owns Boar’s Head Meat Company
This holiday season might be the last for Boar’s Head. For over 100 years Boar’s Head has provided the finest quality meats and cheeses to local grocers, though most shoppers complain the product line is over-priced. Thanks to the work of one attentive meat-eating movie lover, who spoke on condition of anonymity, it appears something is amiss.
It is now clear that Boar’s Head’s recent growth, beginning in the early 2000s, is all due to a deliberate marketing campaign involving one of Hollywood’s most awarded directors. Oddly enough, Peter Jackson released the first of his hugely successful Lord of the Rings trilogy in 2001. At first, it only seemed strange to Jonathan*, but in 2002 he could not longer deny the coincidences. What really caught his attention was when, in 2002, the prices of Boar’s Head jumped over a dollar a pound, for all products. Jonathan refused to believe the company when they told him it was simple economics, and instead began to do a little digging on his own.
It turns out that Peter Jackson is a carnivore. He only eats animal products–no plants. He just won’t touch the stuff. And Jonathan discovered that in the late ’90s, Jackson began using his growing wealth to promote carnivorism as a counter to the growing vegetarian/vegan trends. That’s also when he first was pitched on Lord of the Rings. Like any decent Hollywood personality, he couldn’t avoid including his own personal agenda in his art. Jonathan picked up the trail as he watched The Two Towers in 2002, and heard an Uruk-hai announce, “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!”
With Jackson’s films gracing the theaters again this winter, Jonathan finally gathered enough evidence to merit Jackson’s attention. Public pressure mounting, yesterday, Jackson tweeted a response:
“It’s true. I purchased Boar’s Head in 1998, and proceeded to craft the LOTR films in a way that made meat look normal and right to eat.”
Other than the fact that the Boar’s Head name and logo completely influenced the costumes and makeup of the LOTR films, it appears that nothing unethical has taken place in the company. We do wonder, however, how many other choices we’re making have been influenced by the Hollywood elite.
Review of Killing Season starring Bobby D. and Johnny T.
The previews looked like someone had re-tooled Hopkins and Baldwin’s 1997 thiller The Edge. Two elderly-ish men trying to survive, and possibly kill each other in the woods. But what we have here is something new. It is at once a simple action flick–kinda B-movie action at that–and a portrayal of one of the most challenging commandments Jesus of Nazareth issued.
The film begins with scenes of the not-so-familiar Bosnian war. We are shown images of genocide which would be striking if they weren’t nauseatingly familiar. Like Shutter Island before it, we are then shown that even the good guys sometimes commit atrocities. While in Bosnia we think we see Travolta killed. Moments later we are introduced to DeNiro’s character and discover he has taken to hunting in the woods…with a camera instead of a gun. Nothing surprising here.
The fact is nothing too surprising happens for the next hour or so of the film. There is a game of cat and mouse that seems to drag on and on with no point. But then something magical happens–the point appears.
Movies which improve with their run-time are few and far between. I grew up on the idea that most movies can be recognized for what they are in the first minute. This one is a rare exception to that rule.
Now Ma–before you think that you’re ready for this film, allow me to offer a word of caution. There are two surprisingly gruesome scenes that even caught me off-guard. So, just ask me about the movie next time you call and I’ll tell you what is so neat about it.
The rest of you, proceed at your own risk. It’s no Saw, but it still isn’t for the faint of heart. Too bad really, because it’s message is so full of heart.
I Love You
From Warrior: “I’m sorry Tommy! I’m sorry… Tap out Tom! It’s OK! It’s OK! I Love You! I Love You Tommy!”
From Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves: “I have a brother? I have a brother!”
From Tommy Boy: “Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers hug!”
From Lion King: “Scar! Brother!”
From Brother Bear: Hell–the whole thing.
From Dances with Wolves: “Do you see that I am your friend? Can you see that you will always be my friend?”
From Rocky 5: “Home team.”
Seems like there’s been more trying than doing between us. I wish this wasn’t the case. I guess that’s what we get for being so similar.
I’ll tell you what I know. The summer before I left was probably the best summer. You forsook your friends for me. I’ll never forget it. 24oz Code Red’s. Either Hot’n’Ready or Pizza Maker pizzas. And enormous bowls of ice cream. Every night.
There’s something in me (I think most people call it “asshole”) that wants to forever be your guide through this world. I do apologize for that. When I think how old you are now, I am kinda stunned. The good news is the old people I like have shown me there is plenty of time. Maybe we’ll get to our Tombstone yet. (“Virgil! Morgan!”)
I’m really at a loss here.
You’ve always meant the world to me. Watching you “come into your own” these last couple years has been nice.
Happy Birthday.
Netflix Laughs Out Loudest
Groggy only began to describe his morning. This was confusing because this was the morning after he was given the gift of time. One whole hour to use as he saw fit. Like any good American, he used the time to watch movies he’d already seen. Not movie, movie-zz. He had just read Joseph Conrad’s seminal Heart of Darkness for the first time on Friday, so afterward he was motivated to re-visit Francis Ford Coppola’s seminal Apocalypse Now: Redux. Unfortunately, he didn’t possess the staying power to make it through the additional 49 minutes this version contained Friday night, so last night was the night to finish that off. Next, he felt like regretting that his relationship with his brother wasn’t that great, so he turned on Warrior. It worked. And it gave him hope that maybe someday he and his brother could have some metaphorical fight which causes them to live happily ever after until the credits scroll. Wanting to immerse himself deeper in hope, he decided–for a reason he’s never going to explore–to run with a desire for more Tom Hardy and naturally began watching TDKR. (Mother: that’s the latest Batman movie–you know, the one that came out on my birthday last year). Taking great pride in his level of discipline, even before the caped crusader made his first appearance, he realized it was late, and went to sleep.
Opening the laptop this morning then, he stared at Netflix’s homepage. Then it happened. Nirvana. The sound of his jaw hitting the floor was the only thing that brought him back. Excited beyond belief, he saw staring back at him in Netflix’s personalized “Top Ten for Pete” category Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore’s LOL. How does Netflix do it? He didn’t even know LOL was out, and yet Netflix knew to place it where he couldn’t miss it. Immediately, though, not wanting to give Netflix too much credit–they were still just a group of flawed individuals doing their best–he began unraveling the mystery. After all, he did watch Mission Impossible’s 1-4 in a ten hour window that one night. Oh, and There Will Be Blood has streamed down to his screen more than a few times. Now that he really thought about it, anyone who has watched The Avengers is sure to have a Demi Moore poster or two on their bedroom ceiling. Now he was starting to actually reconsider whether he should so readily praise Netflix. And come to think of it, he did recently read that the people behind Mel Gibson’s latest film, Get the Gringo, were coming out with a similarly flavored mother-daughter how-did-you-become-such-a-screw-up-when-I-put-all-my-energy-into-raising-you-to-not-be-just-like-me-even-though-I-am-still-a-screw-up-to-this-day chick-flick starring two females who people actively hide their children from. It seemed there was no mystery to Netflix’s methods after all.
Resigned, he closed the laptop and took his cereal bowl to the counter. “I’ll get around to it,” he thought to himself, preempting the angel that was about to tell him to just put it directly in the dishwasher.
Falling into the couch, he shed a tear. Like every other company, it seemed that Netflix was succeeding by simple logic.
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Incidentally, if you’re not aware, here is a link to a third party site that connects directly to Netflix and actually makes sense. www.instantwatcher.com
How To Do The Inconceivable.
(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)
Because it is time, that’s why. Someone needs to grab the bull by the horns and reveal the secret to accomplishing anything. The following few paragraphs are going to give you the tips you need to do anything you can conceive.
In the recent Tom Cruise movie Oblivion, T.C. and his female counterpart are two-weeks away from completing their mission on the ‘remote site’ that is Planet Earth. After the two weeks, they will return to the new human settlement with those who survived the war. Granted, the work they were doing was not in itself particularly difficult or boring. Loneliness seemed to be the biggest negative. And the dream of how life would be like in two weeks’ time kept them going.
How many of us ever thought we’d spend as much time and energy as we have to accomplish so little? How did we do it? Where did we get the strength from? Were we born with it? Even if we were born with it, we must fight the desire to victimize ourselves. Instead, as a group we need to accept total responsibility for our lives.
Where did the strength to put up with a life we never conceived come from? The strength came from believing a lie. The lie that there will be more time in the future. Break down the concept of the future a little and you’ll see why this is a lie. The future has not happened. The present is happening. The future “is not”. The present “is”. What do you gain if when you trade what “is” for what “is not”?
The future will never be. Can you understand this? The future will never “exist.” It will never “be.” That’s it’s definition. If you believe that the future is something that “will be”, then you’re no longer describing the same abstract idea that’s being discussed here, and is commonly labeled “the future.” There is no catching-up. There is no getting ahead. These are impossibilities.
I have been nearly exclusively reading the classics for almost a decade now, and a common theme is best summed up by Jon J. Muth in his children’s book, “The Three Questions”, based on Leo Tolstoy’s ideas. “Remember then that there is only one important time, and that time is now. The most important one is always the one you are with. And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For these, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world.”
The choice is always yours. If you want to do the inconceivable follow the instructions below. If you want to exist in reality, stick with living in the present.
Instructions for How to Do The Inconceivable:
Step 1 – Believe that after you’ve accomplished it, you’ll have time to do what you really want.
Step 2 – Understand that there is only one step.
If Movies Could Speak – A Letter
Dear Spoiler Alert,
As you know, it has been a while since I’ve written you. No, this isn’t a dream. Please try to pay attention. I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship. No, I’m not actually your child. I know it is difficult for you but can you be patient and hear me out? There’s something I need to tell you. No, I’m not pregnant with a demon. It’s about us. Well, actually it’s about you. No, you’re not dead. Come to think of it, I don’t know where to begin. No, the end is not the best place. Do you remember growing up? No, I’m not here to tell you your parents were actors. Do you remember your first Christmas? No, there’s no change, Santa Claus is still a fantasy.
Writing this letter is proving more difficult than I imagined. No, I’m not writing from prison. I think there is something wrong with you. No, you’re not an android. You see, when we were young… No, you were not abducted by aliens. When we were young, there was a time when you used to let me experience life for myself. No, I’m not breaking up with you. Please just continue reading. Life used to be so full of wonder. No, we are not about to be overrun by zombies. I used to laugh, get scared, and generally love my life. No, you can’t have my bike; this isn’t a suicide letter.
One day something changed. No, we still haven’t found life on other planets. I don’t remember the specifics. No, I did not just awake from a frozen sleep. I can remember a time though, when a pretty girl gave you extra attention because you knew something before everyone else. No, I’m not that girl’s daughter. Please keep reading. I have a little more I want to say. We’ve all done it. We’ve all ruined the end of a movie for someone else, at least accidentally. No, they didn’t send me to bring you in for a lobotomy. But with you it was different. You never apologized. You never changed. From that first time until now, you have been making life miserable for me. No, you didn’t infect me with the rage virus. Please just try to continue reading. Because of you I am unable to add enjoyment to life. Because of you I am unable to capitalize on life’s unpredictability. I don’t want to know what happens at the end. Can you understand that? Life isn’t about being the first to know what happens next. It is about spending time with people. Experiencing things together. No, I haven’t met someone else.
You need to know that there is no end. Do you understand? No, that’s not because our energy continually passes on to other beings. I mean to say that I think you should try living in the moment. There is no big reward for sharing what happens at the end. When I know the ending ahead of time, it doesn’t add value. Really, it only highlights your personality’s flawed nature. No, you don’t suffer from multiple-personality disorder. Ugh, I give up. No, this isn’t where I reveal that I’ve always been the bad guy. Is there nothing I can say to get to you change? Is there anyone you’ll listen to? No, this isn’t an intervention.
I hope you understand I had to try. I guess you always knew how this would end.
Your Good Friend,
Motion Pictures
.
T.C. – Top Dream Crusher
He was Top Cadet, Top Friend, Top Suburban Son, Top Forrest Boy, Top Gun, Top Bartender, Top Brother, Top Veteran, Top Car, Top Immigrant, Top Lawyer, Top Informant, Top Vampire, Top Spy, Top Spy 2, Top Spy 3, Top Spy 4, Top Spy with a Sense of Humor, Top Sports Agent, Top Freak, Top Motivational Speaker, Top Crazy Man, Top Future Cop, Top Samurai, Top Hit Man, Top Normal Guy, Top Politician, Top Director, Top Nazi Traitor, Top Rock Star, Top Ex-Cop, and most recently Top Astronaut. I can be talking about none other than the Top Actor of the World, Tom – T.C. to me – Cruise!
Just the facts: I saw Top Gun when I was 8 and went on to become a military pilot. My first anniversary out of the military occurred last year, and I figured it would be a good time to watch the movie again. It had been about 7 years since I last saw it. So much had happened in my time in the military that I was curious what I would think as I watched it again. You know what? As the movie ended, I felt like I was 8 again. I thought to myself, “Man, I can’t wait to grow-up so I can be a military pilot.” Then I realized, “Wait a minute, I’ve already done that!”
The moment that followed was singular. I realized that I don’t think I ever actually wanted to be a military pilot. I realized that all these years I actually wanted to be Tom Cruise. Or at least like him, Top Actor.
This thought terrified me. You see, recently I joined a Toastmasters public speaking club. Toastmasters is an organization that pushes people to follow their dreams. The club I am a part of is no different. Besides being overly encouraging, they are time keepers. If you tell them your goal, they will help keep you accountable. I knew that if I told any of them that I wanted to be Top Actor, they would literally start encouraging me to follow my dream to Hollywood.
Thus, I was faced with a dilemma. I joined Toastmasters to challenge myself. This was the perfect topic for a speech. However, there was no way I could share this dream of mine with this particular group of people.
Then it hit me! What if I just told them the truth?
Of all the people who make excuses for not following their dreams, I think I have the best excuse ever. I thought that maybe I could convince them that some people just shouldn’t follow their dreams. And I was one of those people.
Think about it. As a pilot, I spent 8 years perfecting my radio-call voice. You know what I’m talking about. The very monotone, betraying no emotion, professional way of speaking. Besides being monotone, a radio-call is also a strictly formatted four-part way of communicating. There is not much room for deviation from the monotone four-part format.
My thesis: I argue that even Tom Cruise himself couldn’t become Top Actor if, like me, he had to overcome 8 years of speaking in a radio-call voice and format.
And I can prove it. In order to do so, I need to take you through a few examples of how his movies would’ve sounded if he made them in a monotone, four-part radio call format.
To begin, allow me to take you back to the living room at the end of Top Sports Agent. In the movie he says, “…We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You… complete me.” To which Dorothy interrupts, “Shut up. (Sniff) Just shut up. You had me at hello.” Pretty powerful stuff, no? Well, let’s see what that would look like if a T.C. would’ve had my restrictions. Here goes.
*Pshh* Ahh Dorothy…This is Jerry…I’m standing in your living room and ahhh…We live in a cynical world. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …Ahhh…I love you. You complete me. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Jerry…Dorothy here…Standing in the same room…Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello. *Pshh*
I mean come on! There is NO WAY anyone would have identified with those characters or that sentiment.
I can hear some of you already. You’re saying, “Hey, wait a minute. You picked an easy one, a chick flick. I bet some of his other movies would have sounded alright.” Okay, I’ll take that bet. And I’ll raise you. Let’s jump right to a military movie. Top Lawyer. You remember it. Lt. Caffy thundering away while leading Colonel Nathan R. Jessup expertly toward admitting he ordered the CODE RED. Let’s pick it up with Colonel Jessup. He asks, “You want answers?” Lt. Caffy replies, “I think I’m entitled them.” “Yawan’answers!” “I want the TRUTH!” “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!..” And then the great speech about walls begins. Now, here’s how the scene would have played out if T.C. was a pilot.
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup here…sitting in the witness stand…Do you want answers? *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Colonel Jessup…Lt. Caffy speaking…I’m at your 11…I think I’m entitled them. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup again…still in the witness stand…Do you want answers? *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Colonel Jessup…Lt. Caffy here…I’ve haven’t moved…I want the truth. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup here…once again from the witness stand…You can’t handle the truth. *Pshh*
See? No drama. It would have been annoying. No one would have told their friends to go see Top Lawyer.
At this point, I think I’ve done enough to prove I’m right; and I should not follow my dreams. In all fairness, though, we need to come full-circle. Some of you are thinking, “Well, he seems to have a good point. Maybe he couldn’t become Top Actor. …Except that Top Gun is the movie that really put T.C. on the map, and in it he made radio-calls. So, no, I won’t let him off the hook, his theory is destroyed by Top Gun.” I respond, “Is it?” Do you really believe that the radio calls are what made that movie? We all know what made that movie and transformed Tom Cruise from Top Forrest Boy into Top Actor. The bar scene. “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your li-i-ips.” Goose takes over, “There’s no tenderness like before in your feeengerrti-i-ips.” Back to TC, “You’re trying hard not to show it…” Entire bar. (It’s appropriate to join in wherever you are right now, too.) “BAYYY-BEE!” “But baby! Believe me, I knoooow i-it…” And on and on. A scene like that spawns a career. Here’s how it would look radio-call style.
*Pshh* Ahh Pretty blonde woman…Maverick here…at your six…you never close your eyes anymore… BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …when I kiss your lips. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Blondie…Goose speaking…at your eleven…There’s no tenderness like before…BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …In your fingertips. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Blonde woman… Maverick again…I’m the one at your 12 o’clock…You’re trying hard not to show it…BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …baby. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …But baby, believe me I know it. *Pshh*
Whew! Need I say more? Need-I-Say-More? Terrible. I’m bored writing this. “Tom who?” That’s what you would say to me if he had made his movies the way I have had to speak for the last 8 years.
There you have it, proof positive that some people shouldn’t follow their dreams. I am one of those people. Are you? Are you you holding on to any dreams that need to be given up? I find my answers in the movies. Maybe you will to. It’s like in the movie Lion King when Rafiki tells adult Simba that to discover his destiny he needs to, “Look hahhhder.”
Tabula Rasa. It’s like the movie…
A movie is a story. A story has purpose. Fundamentally, a story is an interpretation of an event. The study of philosophy is the study of how we interpret life. (Hear the next sentence in the voice of the Architect from Matrix 2). Ergo, a movie is philosophy. With me? Moving on.
My love for movies is a disease. Say nearly anything to me and my next few words will likely be, “It’s like the movie…” I’m actually very embarrassed by this when I meet new people these days. (Obviously everyone else is just so busy and mature they have no time for fun…) Lately though, I’ve decided to own it. The following is an explanation of my decision.
People always ask me how I do it. “For the love, Pete! How do you remember so many movie quotes?” Actually, that’s the second question in the conversation. The first is usually, “What’s wrong with you?” I’ve had some time to think about this. The movie quoting that is; there is nothing wrong with me. And here’s the truth.
Aristotle basically coined the concept of Tabula Rasa. It means “blank slate.” I first heard the phrase Tabula Rasa as a freshman in college. I’ve been intrigued by it ever since. It simply expresses the idea that we’re all blank to begin with, as in from birth. Only through living do we fill up the blank slate and become who we are. Surely you remember where you were on 9/11. Why do you remember your location on a specific day over a decade ago, but not two years ago? I’d argue you remember it because 9/11 was a surprise. That’s the reason I remember movie lines so easily. They are a surprise to me. All of life is, but movies especially. I watch movies as a blank slate. Do I know the good guys are going to win? Will the guy get the girl? Yes, yes. Just like I know that I’m going to eat another meal soon. But just because I’ve been right every day about my chances of eating again doesn’t mean that I don’t know with certainty what my next meal will be. And that doesn’t mean I can’t immerse myself in a film and pretend that maybe, just maybe this time the bad guys will win and the story will end with something more gripping than the guy getting the girl.
Movies have so many lessons. Any type of storytelling does. As we talk, if you’ve seen the movie I’m referencing, our connection in this lifetime just grew. If not, I hope you at least found my best attempt to reenact the scene enjoyable to witness. Either way, our time together increased, and as a consequence our relationship deepened. Maybe that’s why I do it. Maybe I reference movies so much because it lengthens the conversation, consequently increasing our time together. It’d be a sad world if you think I ought to be ashamed to admit that I want to spend more time with you.
The conclusion challenge: If you can’t remember much, are you assuming too much? Are you living life with a full slate? How’s that working for you? A blank slate is much more fun. It’s like in the movie “Dumb and Dumber” when Jim Carey discovers 25 years after the fact, “No Way! That’s great! We landed on the moon!!”
Captain’s Log 