Tagged: satire

World Economy In Disarray After Oprah Endorses Everything

Chicago.  In an unexpected–and unprecedented–move this past weekend, Oprah endorsed every product. The only African-American Billionaire, Miss Winfrey is making headlines around the world after her weekend decision, and doing so in every news category.

Simply put, people do not know what to do.

Since her rise to stardom, which began in 1984, Americans, and subsequently all humans, have looked to Oprah for guidance when undecided about how to spend their money. From books, to clothing, to boots, to coffee, to perfume, popcorn and more, consumers grew to love this new found ease of shopping in which they didn’t have to weigh the options themselves.

But now, in only the three hours since Captain’s Log learned of the story, virtual chaos has engulfed the world’s major cities. Every stock market has plunged, and some analysts are already predicting it will take more than twenty years to recover from this new great depression–if recovery is possible at all.

The Obama administration is the leading voice in the world’s governments call for people to remain calm. More difficult, however, has been these government’s task of asking their citizens to essentially think for themselves.

As for this American writer, the only hope is that Oprah’s thoughtless action has the unintended consequence of being the first cut in America’s citizens much needed Cesarean section. Stay tuned to Captain’s Log for further updates as this story develops.


The “77% the Height of Adults” Myth About Kids’ Size

Recently, the Wall Street Journal’s online edition published an opinion piece which discussed the questionable raison d’etre behind the little known “Equal Pay Day.”  Only slightly less familiar to the general public is another “day” that has dubious origins.

Nearly a decade ago, April 14th, 2005 to be exact, the federal government acknowledged the plight of kids across the country by establishing “Equal Height Day”.  Much like “Equal Pay Day”, “Equal Height Day” seeks to raise awareness for a specific social injustice–that kids are shorter than their adult counterparts–by adding a second title to the otherwise repetitious monikers (Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday) that help distinguish each complete rotation the Earth makes on its axis.  Though left unsaid, it is clear that supporters of “Equal Height Day” are hoping to achieve a portion of the attention they receive on other dually designated days–notably “Christmas Day” and “My Birthday”.  The trouble with the claim that kids are shorter than adults, however, comes when the supporting data is examined.

To begin, while it is easy to remember that each of us once had to tilt our head back to look at an adult’s face, we shouldn’t let nostalgic feelings affect the science of the problem.  Kids–by definition–are still growing.  Adults are done growing.  Even if it were possible to measure each kid at precisely the same moment and compare the resultant median kid height to the median adult height, the data will have changed before the ink of the report dries, so to speak.

Next, it appears that instead of actually measuring a bunch of kids with a tape measure, the researchers simply went residence to residence and measured existing lines drawn by caring parents on kitchen walls.  But everyone knows that kids use tip-toes when measured at home.

Lastly, and most deploringly, these very same researchers did not even measure the adults who took part in the study.  Instead, they opted to simply ask the adults how tall they were.

This last decision should betray more about the supporters of “Equal Height Day” than just insufficient methods.

Only kids would believe that adults tell the truth.




Peter Jackson Finally Comes Clean: Owns Boar’s Head Meat Company

This holiday season might be the last for Boar’s Head.  For over 100 years Boar’s Head has provided the finest quality meats and cheeses to local grocers, though most shoppers complain the product line is over-priced.  Thanks to the work of one attentive meat-eating movie lover, who spoke on condition of anonymity, it appears something is amiss.

It is now clear that Boar’s Head’s recent growth, beginning in the early 2000s, is all due to a deliberate marketing campaign involving one of Hollywood’s most awarded directors.  Oddly enough, Peter Jackson released the first of his hugely successful Lord of the Rings trilogy in 2001.  At first, it only seemed strange to Jonathan*, but in 2002 he could not longer deny the coincidences.   What really caught his attention was when, in 2002, the prices of Boar’s Head jumped over a dollar a pound, for all products.  Jonathan refused to believe the company when they told him it was simple economics, and instead began to do a little digging on his own.

It turns out that Peter Jackson is a carnivore.  He only eats animal products–no plants.  He just won’t touch the stuff.  And Jonathan discovered that in the late ’90s, Jackson began using his growing wealth to promote carnivorism as a counter to the growing vegetarian/vegan trends.  That’s also when he first was pitched on Lord of the Rings.  Like any decent Hollywood personality, he couldn’t avoid including his own personal agenda in his art.  Jonathan picked up the trail as he watched The Two Towers in 2002, and heard an Uruk-hai announce, “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

With Jackson’s films gracing the theaters again this winter, Jonathan finally gathered enough evidence to merit Jackson’s attention.  Public pressure mounting, yesterday, Jackson tweeted a response:

“It’s true.  I purchased Boar’s Head in 1998, and proceeded to craft the LOTR films in a way that made meat look normal and right to eat.”

Other than the fact that the Boar’s Head name and logo completely influenced the costumes and makeup of the LOTR films, it appears that nothing unethical has taken place in the company.  We do wonder, however, how many other choices we’re making have been influenced by the Hollywood elite.

How To Get A Raise

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions).

In the classic western Tombstone the new actress in town is awestruck by who-she-doesn’t-yet-know-is Wyatt Earp.  The actress’s friend says to her, “My dear, you’ve set your gaze upon the quintessential frontier type.  Note the lean silhouette…eyes closed by the sun, though sharp as a hawk.”

For some reason that quote sprung to his mind when he thought of describing his new boss.  Standing a lean 6 feet, the man’s movements signaled to all–customers and staff–that he was in charge.  But that’s not the extraordinary thing.  What’s extraordinary is his oneness with the job.

It’s retail.  Business can be slow or fast.  Apart from the length of the line, anyone wanting to know how busy it is need simply look at the man.  When business is slow, he focuses on the numbers and keeps everyone ready for it to pick up.  When business is fast, his smile beams an uncommon love of the job.  The line of customers can be out the door, and he just smiles and smiles.  Where some would be stressed, he handles the situation with exceptional grace.  This grace stems from a certain pride in knowing that he is doing his job well.  In response to “man, you should see your face.  How are you so happy?”, he clarifies “It’s not that we’re busy, it’s that we’re so busy and things are running so smoothly.”  His smile betrays his joy.  It is a joy founded on purity.  And that is why he is the boss.

Instructions for How To Get A Raise

Step 1 — FLATTER your boss endlessly.

Step 2 — REPEAT Step 1.