Tagged: relationships

Living Three Days Out

This was it.  His last day on the job.  He’d waited, mostly patiently, for years to be able to quit as he pleased, and now he’d done it twice in one year.  How does it feel?  Remember Owen Wilson’s description of the ratio between excitement and scared in Armageddon?  Nothing like that.

His life had been so planned up until this year that he still couldn’t believe how relieved this all felt.  He just wanted to drink it up.

The great joy of the journey.  What was going to happen next?  He had some inklings, but no real vision.  Honestly, while he had narrowed down his professional joys, he knew just one thing above all.  He knew he was tired of trying to convince people of his value with his voice.   Experience as his mentor, he was learning that the great thing about self-respect and dignity is that they are heavy enough to squash self-doubt.

How would it all turn out?  That is what he longed to know.  Emerson wrote about what it must have been like three days before Columbus and his crew discovered America.  That day embodied the peak of excitement.  That day exemplified the joy of living.  Intuition caused him to identify with the sentiment as he read those words years ago.  Now, experience was teaching him the full truth of it.

How To Start An Argument

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions).

“Are you kidding me?  That’s not at all what I said,” he said, resigning himself.

“That is what you said.  That is exactly what you said,” she replied, her voice betraying her emotion.

“No.  I said that your family does things different from how I’m used to.  I never said they are weird.  I never said they are wrong,” he argued, trying one last time to be clear.

“Well, I think if we Googled ‘synonyms for different’, ‘weird’ would make the list,” she said, calming ever so slightly.

“It might.  But the difference is that ‘weird’ carries a value, whereas ‘different’ is value-neutral,” he said trying not to get excited too early.

“Why does my family have to be the ‘different’ one?  Why can’t your family be the ‘different’ one?” she stammered, signifying she was beginning to understand.

“Because I was the one who said it.  My family can’t be ‘different’ to me.   My family is what I am used to.  Therefore, if your family is not like what I am used to…they are different.  You could say the same thing if you thought so,” he said, hoping to be done with the whole thing.

“Fine.  My family is different to you, your family is different to me,” she said, unable to recall why this ever even came up.

“Good.”

“Good.”

“Your brother, on the other hand, is weird,” he said, laughing heartily as he ran.

Instructions for How To Start An Argument

Step 1 – Fail to communicate yourself fully and accurately on the first try.

Step 2 – Believe the other person is incapable of making the same error.

The Easiest Call To Answer

Breakfast at 7:00 am with his woman, a quick shower at 7:45, and they’d be out the door by 8:30 on their way to the home store.  After picking up a few essentials it would be time to head to the hardware store.  He desperately needed a new tool for weeding, and also a bit of potting soil.  Oh, and winter fertilizer.  If things went perfect, they’d be driving away from the hardware store at 11:00 on their way to meet friends for lunch at 11:30.

It wasn’t quite a sit-down restaurant, but the couples hadn’t seen each other in what seemed like forever, so he budgeted an hour and a half for the lunch.  Farewell handshakes and hugs would conclude at 1:00 pm, so he figured they could be pulling out of the parking lot at 1:05, which would leave plenty of time to drive to the ‘burbs for their nephews game.  The kid was only 6, so it wasn’t exactly organized.  From his perspective it was more like a bunch of adults forming a fleshy boundary which attempted to keep sacred childhood.  Either way, he was excited to see his sister and brother-in-law.

From there, the plan was to split-up for an hour or so to clean up.  Then everyone would meet back up at 6:00 for some Colorado-style pizza.  He figured they’d be out of the restaurant by 8:00–8:30 at the latest.  Afterwards everyone would return to their respective homes, and have a nice quiet night on couches.

Yep, he was pretty proud of himself for having such a thought out plan, but now it was time for bed.

Pulling the covers up–awkwardly as usual–to warm the back of his neck, he shut his eyes, smiling.

He awoke.  Widening his eyes as if that helped him regain consciousness faster, he reached for his phone.  Seeing the time before noting who was calling, he read “5:30” with some confusion.  “Who would be calling so early on a Saturday?” he wondered to himself.  The screen informed him who it was, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Honey,” he said.  “Honey, wake up, wake up,” he said shaking her.

“What time is it?” she mumbled.

“Huh?  Why?  That doesn’t matter.  We’ve got to cancel our plans for the day.  The mountains called.  They’re open!”

How To Ruin Food

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)

“I really shouldn’t eat this, what with it containing 12 grams of saturated fat.  Oh well, I’ll put in extra time at the gym tonight,” he said scarfing down the burger.

“I know.  I really went overboard last weekend on the late night snacking.  I think I ate two entire bags of chips and salsa,” she replied in kind.

They continued this way for the duration of the time it took for them to wolf down other foods they shouldn’t eat because of words and numbers on the packaging.  I know because I was eating with them.  You see, they were my friends.  I hadn’t seen them in such a long time, and I had finally made time to grab a bite to catch up with them.  By the time the food–if we can even call it that anymore–was finished, I was able to ask, “So how’s life?  What have you been up to?”

“It’s good.  Really good.  Oh, but look at the time.  I really need to get going if I’m going to make it to the restaurant on time after work tonight.  I really need to stop eating out so much,” she said.

Instruction for How To Ruin Food

Step 1 – Believe that there is any relationship between nutritional facts and self-discipline.

Step 2 – State the relationship.

Step 3 – Repeat Step 2 until time runs out.

Longing

We used to be so close.  Your touch was so soft, so warm.  When I needed you, you were always there for me.  Sometimes you’d pull away in the middle of the night.  Sometimes you’d get all twisted up.  Sometimes it seemed like I had to fight to get you back.  But return, you always did.

Recently, I feel like the one who has been neglecting you.  I’m the one who has been staying away some nights.  I’m the one who has chosen a shoddy imitation of you–even though I know better.

When we touched the other night I almost cried.  A flood of memories came rushing back.  We used to spend hours upon hours together.  You don’t know how desperately I want to return to that life.  I just can’t right now.  There are bills to pay.  There are mountains to explore.  There is writing to do.

I’m sorry Sheets, but I just don’t think this reduced amount of time together will end anytime soon.  I miss you.

How To Laugh

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)

“You have a sister?  What’s she like?”

“She’s cool.  You’ll like her.”

“Do you guys look alike, notwithstanding she’s a girl?”

“Not really.  She’s a lot lighter than me.  It’s actually kinda funny.  My sisters are all light brown, while I’m black–even though we have the same parents.”

“I knew someone who had the same problem.”

“What problem?  What problem is that?”

Lucky for her, he asked this only moments before bursting into one of the most contagious laughs imaginable.  Lucky for her, he had one of the best senses-of-humor available.  His ability to laugh transformed a moment more serious souls might have let become negatively charged into one filled with the glorious sounds of laughter.  Laughing uncontrollably, even she was unable to successfully join enough words together to mount whatever self-defense she had in mind.

Instructions for How To Laugh:

Step 1 – Resist all temptation to believe people actually think before they speak.

Step 2 – While smiling, immediately exhale the full amount of whatever air happens to be in your lungs.

Step 3 — Inhale as able.

Step 4 – Appropriate to the situation, repeat Steps 2 and 3 with ridiculously nonsensical  rhythm.

This Past Sunday Women Learned There Is A Fourth Species of Spider…Now Wondering, “Are there more?”

Black Widow, Brown Recluse, Daddy Long legs.  Until Sunday, women knew of no other spiders.  Until Sunday, women would see a spider, then say, “Is it a Black Widow?”

Or, “I think that’s a Brown Recluse…I read that leaving near-empty mayonnaise jars out will act like a trap, if you suspect you have them.”

Or, “Hey, look, a Daddy Long Legs.  Did you know that Daddy Long Legs are the most deadly spider in the world?  It’s true.  They just don’t have big enough teeth to pierce our skin.  Kill it anyway, will ya, hon?”

But this past Sunday, a spider had the nerve to bite a woman.  The spider didn’t look anything like one of the three, so she did what any reasonable women would do and Google’d it.  Using her phone to take a picture, she searched Google Images for the spider.  Lo and behold, it was another species of spider altogether.  All along she thought there were only three species of spiders.

Words cannot describe the joy she felt as she called her mom to share the news.  Naturally, her mom didn’t believe her at first.  But then her mom remembered that her father had always said there were more than three types of spiders when she told him what she thought she saw when she was growing up.

Alas, the elated feelings were fleeting as the mother daughter tandem soon realized they unknowingly opened the door to learning.  “Are there more species we don’t know about?” they silently wondered to themselves.

What Was She Thinking?

Sitting across from her, he took took a breath as he finished talking.  He could only wonder what she was thinking.  Reminiscing, they discussed how they first met.  He told her how nervous he was, how excited he was, and how all he wanted was to be able to know her thoughts.  She smiled politely at this, and replied in kind.

Wrapping up the meal, they walked silently to the car.  He couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking.

He told her about his day, and she laughed at the funny parts.  He told her how he learned a new joke, “How do you make an octopus laugh?…Give it ten tickles!”  She laughed harder.

Arriving home, they began their separate nightly routines and he sat down to his computer.  As he piddled around, he heard her turning pages, walking around, and turning on the tv.  Her thoughts eluded him.

He’d had enough of the screen for one day, so he went to her.  She was watching tv.  Watching her, he lingered in the hall a little before entering the room.  He asked himself, “I wonder what she’s thinking?”

The next morning as they ate breakfast they chatted about the headlines.  He asked her how she expected her work to go, and she said, “Good.”  She volleyed the question back, and he told her how he had a 10 o’clock meeting, followed by lunch with a friend.  Continuing, he told her that his afternoon was booked with two more meetings, but he should be home at 5 o’clock because the last meeting won’t go long.  She said, “That’s good.  So will I.  Chicken tonight?”  He agreed.  She had to get going, as hers was the longer commute.  As she walked to the garage, he wondered what she was thinking.

Arriving at the office, he ran into Jeb, his co-worker.  Scanning the room to be sure the wrong people weren’t around, Jeb whispered, “Hey man, you ever wonder what women are thinking?”

“Yup.”

How To Be Angry

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)

“I’m not going to the dinner tonight!” he foamed.

“But you always go,” she responded.

“Right, but this one is about (insert hot button issue), and I’m not going to sit there and listen to those morons act like they know what they’re talking about!” he retorted furiously.

He knew he was right.  He knew what he believed.  And he knew they were wrong.

He could destroy their ideas with logic.  He could destroy their ideas with evidence.  He could destroy their ideas with history.  Listen to them?  Associate with them?  How could he?  He didn’t even understand how they could exist.  How could he possibly be expected to keep his cool when they were so blatantly wrong?  No, he’d made up his mind, he wasn’t going.

Waking up, he saw he had a few more morning emails than normal.  Several of his friends wrote that they missed his presence at the dinner.  One said they were all looking forward to a dissenting opinion, and without him it was a rather bland evening.  Immediately, he felt a pang of regret.   He didn’t expect anyone to even notice he wasn’t there, let alone miss him.  Kicking himself for forgetting that people are not arguments, people are not ideas, and people are not principles, he stood up and laboriously began his morning.  At 55, he thought he’d have learned his lesson by now.  Oh well, lucky for him the memories of his friends always welcoming him back with open arms burst through the floodgates.

Instructions for How To Be Angry

Step 1 – Make a decision without all the information.

Step 2 – Cease contact with anyone who disagrees with you.