Tagged: relationships
Public Speaking Is Not Our Biggest Fear
For the last year and a half he had attended a most unique gathering of personalities on Thursday mornings. What began simply as a self-interested attempt to network for employment led him down an entirely different path than expected. More than a job, he found life.
Most groups and organizations he had joined were disappointments. But try as he might, it seemed he couldn’t avoid joining groups altogether. Hypocrisy acting as the evicting agent, he left nearly every organization he ever joined. But this one? This was different. This group offered nothing more than literal time and space to improve a particular life-skill. Each member joined in order to improve their ability to speak publicly. He found that hidden within an improved ability to speak publicly was the ability to communicate. Unexpectedly, he learned that lurking within communication was being.
He didn’t doubt that in the organization someone somewhere hungered selfishly for more and more members–humans-in-group will never satisfy their need to evangelize. Yet, for this group, any recruiting efforts more than admitting existence proved silly. Ultimately, convincing someone that they should face their largest fear and, over time, dis-cover who they actually are–all while in the presence of others–was not possible. Like the horse that can’t be forced to drink, people had to want to join.
While Descartes’ famous “I think, therefore I am” was a chapter essential to telling the story, the time had come to turn the page. Experience illuminated that he ‘was not’ without other people. Therefore, the next chapter began, “I communicate, therefore I am.”
Are you?
Virtue’s Secret Hiding Place
Like the sun dimmed by an Iraqi dust storm, virtue was never difficult to see. He knew it existed even though he couldn’t always see it. Like that sun, for him, virtue drew his attention before he even knew why. And he desperately wanted to be counted among the virtuous men.
The trouble was that life kept taking up his time. When he was young, he knew he wanted to give 10% to the church. But if he gave 10%, he wouldn’t have enough money to live on. Later, he recognized he told little-white-lies too much, and vowed to stop. The next moment, he had to decide whether to tell his mom that he was watching a rated-R movie at his friend’s house. He decided to lie.
Later in life his struggle continued. Once he knew he was neglecting his friends and family by working so much, but he just had to put in a few more weeks of over-time to help finish the big office project. He knew he was a kind person at heart, but he never took the time to display that kindness to others. When he learned that love was an action word, he really believed he would start really showing the people he loved how much he loved them by his actions. He was going to spend more time with them; he was going to give them small gifts; he was going to listen better; he was going to pay them more compliments; he was going to give them more hugs. But then a new project started at work. And the church–that he still wasn’t tithing to–softball team had a big tournament this weekend, so he had to put loving off.
Forever frustrated, daily he noticed more and more men living more virtuously than he. Moreover, they seemed to do it effortlessly. He didn’t want to believe it, but he couldn’t deny what he witnessed. These other men seemed to actually thrive on their actions. When they spoke honestly and from the heart, people listened and reciprocated. When they were with their friends and family, he could see a real joy existed in the interaction. When they spent a little extra time being kind to everyone they met throughout the day, the earnest thanks they received became the envy of his eye. Taking time to learn and speak the love languages of their loved ones, he noticed these men were no less productive at work; furthermore, rumors of their deeds preceded their presence everywhere.
Looking everyday until he died, he never did figure out where they found the time.
Filler Words’ Horrible Secret…Revealed!
“The thing is, is no matter our differences we should be able to get along.”
“…and that’s the end of that story…ummmm…oh, yeah, and then there was another time when…”
“…to get to the other side!..soooo…like I was saying…”
They were all guilty. All of them. Even him. He took comfort anytime he knew that to be the case. There was something appealing about universal condemnations. In this particular case, the crime was filler word use. Why? Because filler words were one more thing that he knew he should avoid, but couldn’t. And this inability to stop using something frustrated him to no end.
Of late, something intriguing occurred to him. He began to really listen for filler words, and see if he could determine a pattern. He wanted to learn if there was anything he could do, any tip he could develop, to help himself and others stop using them. And listen he did. He listened to his own usage, he listened to other people’s usage. After enough listening, the evidence pointed toward one specific conclusion. For the most part, people use filler words to maintain control of the conversation. At their core, then, filler words are a symptom of selfishness and laziness.
Yes, he was sure of it. He thought of it this way. Before children begin using filler words, they are taught to not interrupt. And to interrupt is to speak while someone else is speaking. It appears now, that an unintended consequence of this well-intended “don’t interrupt” principle is that speakers learn that if they are emitting interruptible sounds, even if not words, they will not have to give up the floor. Enter filler words.
He knew he was on to something when he pushed the idea further. Who uses the most filler words? People who talk the most, naturally. His ego wanted to believe this was coincidental–therefore a lesser crime–not causal, but he could feel the truth. He played out a little experiment in his head. He imagined a world where the use of a filler word ended that person’s turn to speak. In this fiction, he imposed the harshest limitations. If someone used a filler word, and no one else had anything to say–the conversation ended. As he played the scenario out in his head, it became clear that the use of filler words is, in fact, causal in determining which people end up talking the most. Just the same, if certain people can speak at length without filler words, it is a demonstration of skill and they should be able to speak. Who was he to limit a person with demonstrable ability?
Equally condemned, he could not judge too harshly though. It is likely that all people begin using filler words harmlessly enough. But that was the past. He wanted to be an agent of change. “Strive” – his adopted motto. Leading by example, he determined that he would stop speaking the next time he used a filler word. He wondered if anyone would follow suit.
How To Listen
(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)
“What’d you say?” he asked. Realizing he couldn’t remember crossing the bridge she created–the bridge over which her words matured into tears–he felt a great shame settle over him. Leo Tolstoy wrote, “The tears seemed to be the proper lubricant without which the machine of mutual communion between the two sisters could not work successfully.” Similarly, her tears contained the power to recapture his attention. The tears also had the effect of making him want to listen. He briefly wondered how anyone found his way without Tolstoy.
Hours later, he made it a point to determine if he’d always had difficulty listening. At first, his ego caused him to deny such a charge and pointed out that he was an excellent student. He also recalled how he excelled in a professional environment. Both required the ability to listen. Reluctantly, he opened the door Doubt was moments away from breaking down. He didn’t have very many close friends. He certainly hadn’t made any new friends in years. Swallowing his just-a-bit-too-large-a-bite-of-food-which-chokes-but-doesn’t-kill pride, he finally admitted the truth. He objectified people.
This was the only way he could make sense of it. If the person he was with couldn’t help him in some way, his mind found better things to do. Even before this revelation solidified, he had difficulty believing this was a deficient quality. That difficulty became an uncommon resolve which he used to summit his problem. At last he stood atop his terrifying realization. This never-before-seen perspective decisively gave him the vantage point necessary for change.
Instructions for How To Listen:
Step 1 – Stop talking.
Step 2 – Stop objectifying people.
A Letter To My Friend (That I Hope To Write)
To My Friend,
We’ve known each other for some time now. We’ve seen how we each live, how we each make decisions, how we each handle problems. More than most, you’ve seen my relationships with women unfold.
I’m writing to you now because a new day has dawned. People like us, we’re different. Our brains maintain a tighter grip on information than most. We have been given all the tools necessary to accomplish great things in this life, you and I. That’s just a fact. We also know that leading a family must be one of those things. It is a timeless tradition that must be honored by all men aspiring to greatness. There is no escaping this feeling. We’re surrounded by weak men holding their hands out, expecting help. They’ve got it wrong. We’re the ones who give help, not receive help.
The point is, we made it this far, and owe it to everyone, literally everyone, to use the rest of our time to be an example.
Some maladjusted part within us wants us to believe that if a woman would have us, then she could be the one. First hand experience however, tells us that nothing could be further from the truth. First hand experience also tells us that that’s not enough. That’s why I’m writing this letter. We need to help each other stay focused on the goal. Alone, the future is bleak. Together, we can lead a revival.
Only because of you am I confident to share the news. You reminded me of something I once knew; something that over the last several years I repressed, hid, denied, and pretended to forget. You reminded me that I, too, believe ideal women exist. I, too, believe in women of such high quality that they seem unearthly. I’m talking about a quality so rare that it is only whispered about. I believe in ideal women who possess so much more than the ability to attract. My friend, we’ve always hoped we were right. Now I am certain we were, because I found mine. I hope this letter brings you good fortune, and motivates you to stay the course.
Your Friend,
A Mugwump
Experience’s Danger
The reason pilots debrief a flight after landing is to see what lessons the experience can offer. The end goal being to use the lessons learned to improve their performance during the next flight. A continual striving, as it were. But, at its core, experience is not an exclusively positive thing. If left unquestioned, it can have negative consequences too. Seasoned pilots know this all too well.
I’m talking about the danger in mistaking the current situation to be the same as a past experience. For pilots, this occurs most when troubleshooting a malfunction. Pilots have a tendency to enjoy being able to say, “Oh, that’s nothing to worry about, I’ve seen it before.” However, choosing a course of quickly reaching a conclusion without proper evaluation of the situation can create larger problems down the road. For pilots in the air, this course, if uninterrupted, leads to death. While grounded people don’t face immediate death for mistaking “this” for “that”, the result is definitely unpleasant.
Who can’t relate to this lesson? I’ve had many, many arguments with loved ones that only after they went to great pains to rephrase and re-rephrase their point did I realize, “Hey, while it seemed like they just wanted to re-hash some past grievance, it actually turns out they aren’t thinking about it at all.” I then experience the wonderful feeling of dumbfounded shame. All the energy I had been putting into the argument up to that point was misguided. Instead of devaluing their position and jumping to the conclusion that this was the “same ol’, same ol'”, I should have given them the benefit of the the doubt and really listened.
Ask yourself, “Have I ever actually been hurt because I gave the benefit of the doubt to the other person until more information could be gathered?” Unlike pilots, who have a strict and short time-table to work with, I have seen no reason to act under the guise that life has a time table. We can take all the time in the world to hear each other out. In fact, that might lead to a longer life in the end anyhow.
I can hear a few of you right now, “But that’s the thing… I really don’t have the time to deal with (Insert your favorite combatant).” Hmm. Sure. Okay. We’ll do it your way then. Instead of being patient and seeking understanding, which has been proven time and again to result in strengthening relationships (regardless the outcome of that particular discussion), let’s rush to a bad decision. Come to think of it, I now see why you want to rush to a bad decision. If I rush to a bad decision, I will then have even more time for even more rushed, bad decisions based on misunderstandings. Just think about how many bad decisions I’ll be able to make in one lifetime if I hurry! Sorry, no. I’ll take my cues from pilots. If their unique and ongoing relationship with death teaches them to gather all the data before making a decision, rather than forcing the current problem to look like a past experience, then I, too, will treat every situation as unique until proven otherwise.
What about you? How will you use this experience?
Captain’s Log 