Tagged: movie reviews

Review of Grudge Match

I will cry when Sylvester Stallone and Robert De Niro die.  In the past I have thought about celebrity deaths that will be difficult to stomach, but only after watching Grudge Match am I sure that those two will cause a genuine sense of loss.

The movie is easy.  The story is straightforward.  And as a bonus, a black man and an old man use their societal advantages to provide the audience with guilty laughs.

The movie is almost good enough to be called “good” even if the viewer hasn’t seen Raging Bull or any films in the Rocky Saga–almost.  Then again, no movie would be comprehensible if all context could be removed.

It’s humorous the way each fighter is equally the underdog.  We have underdog versus underdog.  Luckily, the respective underdog attributes are acted well-enough to birth some curiosity.  By the time we find ourselves calling the filmmakers names for not having the courage to use Rocky’s theme song one last time to accompany the mandatory training montage, we do wonder how the fight will end.  And we nurse a hope that it will end the way we want it to, whichever way that is.  Surprisingly, the film’s writers and director are more on point than we ever could’ve imagined.

In the final round of the fight we arrive at two specific moments that explicitly reveal the film’s theme, and whether these moments are taken together or individually, that theme proves to be well worth the, at times perfunctory, 90 minute commute.

In short, if you remain undecided about watching it, watch it.

Review of Noah

My goal is simply to get you into the movie theater.  Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to it.

According to Genesis, Adam lived to be 930 years old.  Noah was born only 126 years after Adam died.  Noah was 600 years old when the flood occurred.  Altogether, then, the flood occurred only 1656 years after creation, which was only 726 years after Adam–the first man–died.  For me, when put that way, Darren Aronofsky had an immense task ahead of him.

They say the president has a difficult time telling the public about foreign policy because there is so much he can’t say.  The same thing is true for any deliberate attempt to re-tell the story of Noah.  Aronofsky’s challenge was not deciding whether to use the NIV or King James translation of the story, no.  His challenge was to determine what Noah would’ve known–Noah, a man who again, as the story goes, was separated from Adam by a mere 126 years.

Are there parts of the movie that surprise and baffle the movie-goer?  Yes.  Does the film blatantly disregard the account of the flood preserved by the book of Genesis?  Yes.  Does the film comically address certain plot holes in the story that viewers would probably have forgiven if ignored?  Yes.  But the film does not miss the theme of the original story.  That’s what makes it remarkable.  I could try to summarize the movie and explain how it does this, but then I’d miss my mark, now wouldn’t I?  You have to decide for yourself whether he accomplishes this feat.

Oh, and there is an amazing stop-motion creation sequence that is sure to please just about everyone with a soul that you will not find anywhere else.  So kuddos to Aronofsky for including that.

In the end, forget every detail you think you know about the story except its “why”.  Then fill your mouth the filmy, powdery texture of impossible-to-duplicate movie theater popcorn mixed with diet coke, and “Enjai ta picture show!”

Review of Blue Valentine, the Once NC-17 Ryan Gosling movie

Yesterday’s post didn’t command any likes.  Instead, it garnered a lot of love.  Thank you.  The only way to get there is together.

****

Even though I’ve seen how it’s done, I’m always amazed that a man with a full head of hair can be made to look like a man who is balding, Ryan Gosling is no exception.  Like Charlize Theron in Monster, here we have a very attractive celebrity turned bum.  Seriously fellas, if your lady-friend is a bit too enamored with the man, press play on Derek Cianfrance’s divorce exposé.

Not a new film, gossip clearly deters many would be viewers.  Even with foreknowledge that it is going to be an uncompromising look at a close-to-home trial, it’s impossible to prepare for Valentine’s authenticity.  And that’s what places it ahead of its preteen Judd Apatow et al. peers.

Spanning love’s spectrum, the movie passes through the always interesting topics of 1. single men and women’s respective concerns about love and marriage, 2. our undeniable wish for love-at-first-sight to make the jump from fairy tale land to factical life, and 3. a holy-shit-I-thought-that-was-just-something-that-happened-to-me disintegration of a relationship with ease.

And now a note to the MPAA:  get it together.  You’re not protecting anything but your jobs.  Drop the letter system.  Increase the descriptions.  And allow movie-makers the opportunity to tell stories that have some basis in this world, not distract them with PG-13 revenues.

Make no mistake, this movie is not pleasant.  Questions are not answered.  But if you laugh at the saying, “Ignorance is bliss”, if you consider yourself a seeker, or if you’re the mother of a son and sometimes ask, “Are you sure you couldn’t have worked things out?” watch the movie.   (It’s on Netflix.)

Review of The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Timeless and universal.

I have a rule.  Well, Ecclesiastes has a rule that I believe is true.  It goes like this:  “There is nothing new under the sun.”  When it comes to “get rich quick” or “relationship” books, it is impossible for me to not use this standard.  If a book claims that it has come up with a new way to make money or keep a relationship strong, then, generally, I discard it promptly.  I just simply refuse to believe that mankind’s soul has changed in any appreciable way in our existence.  That being said, Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is nothing new.  And that is good.

The book’s largest flaw is that it is a book.  It really could have been a flyer; I’m picturing a large picture representing perfect bliss overlayed by a few sentences at the bottom.  The sentences being something like this:

People express and feel love in different ways.  It seems that there are five ways.  They include physical touch, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and words of affirmation.  Try to speak your partner’s language(s).

Really, though, I’m proud to say that there is an even more fun way to help you figure out your love language(s).  How I like to think about these five languages is via one language:  song.  Want to know which language is yours using songs?  Then continue reading.

To start, if you think Kevin Costner defeats Errol Flynn in the battle of Robin Hood’s, we all know the only reason this happened is because Errol didn’t have Bryan Adams’ classic ballad “Everything I Do (I do it for you)” to accompany his swashbuckling sword fights.  And your choosing Kevin means that your language is likely “Acts of Service.”

On the other hand, if everyone in the room but you noticed that you sat up during Moulin Rouge as Ewan McGregor belted out “My gift is my saw-ong…” in tribute to Elton John’s unforgettable “Your Song“, your language might just be “Words of Affirmation”.

If it is impossible not to feel warm all over when somebody tells a story about the summer of 1991, the summer during which you recall hearing Extreme’s “More Than Words” on every radio station across the nation as you drove to the west coast to greet Gulf War One’s returning victors, then you’re only hurting yourself if you don’t own up to “Physical Touch” being your love language.

Next, and admittedly a bit of a stretch (but then again, it isn’t my language, so I wouldn’t identify with it.  Am I right Gary?), but if the only time you feel like someone really gets you is each year at Christmastime, specifically each time Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” is played, then your love language is “Gifts”.

Lastly, if you  can finish, “Eeeiiff eye-ee-eye-ee-eye (breath) shu-uld stay…” without hesitation, there can only be one conclusion.  Your love language is “Quality Time”.   (That Costner is receiving two shout-outs is beyond me.  By the way Ma, he’s looking great once again in an upcoming action flick “3 Days to Kill”.  Check out the trailer by clicking here.)

In the end, the book only takes a night to read.  Not that you need to anymore.  You’re welcome.

****

*Chapman, Gary D. The Five Love Languages. Chicago: Northfield Pub., 1992. Print.

5 Reasons Why Sylvester Stallone Might Overtake Tom Cruise As Top Actor and 1 Thing TC Can Do To Ensure That Never Happens

1.  Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6)

2.  Rambo (Rambo 4)

3.  The Expendables

4.  The Expendables 2

5.  The Expendables 3  (This time he’s pulled together Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford.  And those are in addition to Arnold, Statham, Li, and Ivan Drago.  Oh, and Kelsey Grammar, too.)

For any of you who haven’t seen “The Expendables” movies, you’re missing out.  Missing out like I thought I was missing out in the late 80s and 90s.  I hated that I couldn’t go see rated R movies.  It seemed like every good movie was rated R and starred Stallone or Schwarzenegger.  When I finally checked those movies out, man was I disappointed.  Then Sly shocks the world with “Rocky Balboa” and “Rambo”, only to top them a few years later with “The Expendables”.  The movies are over the top in every way imaginable.  It’s a formula that can’t lose.  Lose the ego, bring the heart, and have a little fun while you’re at it.

Tom–don’t worry.  You’re still tops in my book.  The easiest way to ensure you never lose the spot is follow Stallone’s lead and give us what we want.  You know what I’m talking about TC.  That’s right.  It’s time for the sequel.  (Cue the Anthem.)

Review of Killing Season starring Bobby D. and Johnny T.

The previews looked like someone had re-tooled Hopkins and Baldwin’s 1997 thiller The Edge.  Two elderly-ish men trying to survive, and possibly kill each other in the woods.  But what we have here is something new.  It is at once a simple action flick–kinda B-movie action at that–and a portrayal of one of the most challenging commandments Jesus of Nazareth issued.

The film begins with scenes of the not-so-familiar Bosnian war.  We are shown images of genocide which would be striking if they weren’t nauseatingly familiar.  Like Shutter Island before it, we are then shown that even the good guys sometimes commit atrocities.  While in Bosnia we think we see Travolta killed.  Moments later we are introduced to DeNiro’s character and discover he has taken to hunting in the woods…with a camera instead of a gun.  Nothing surprising here.

The fact is nothing too surprising happens for the next hour or so of the film.  There is a game of cat and mouse that seems to drag on and on with no point.  But then something magical happens–the point appears.

Movies which improve with their run-time are few and far between.  I grew up on the idea that most movies can be recognized for what they are in the first minute.  This one is a rare exception to that rule.

Now Ma–before you think that you’re ready for this film, allow me to offer a word of caution.  There are two surprisingly gruesome scenes that even caught me off-guard.  So, just ask me about the movie next time you call and I’ll tell you what is so neat about it.

The rest of you, proceed at your own risk.  It’s no Saw, but it still isn’t for the faint of heart.  Too bad really, because it’s message is so full of heart.

Netflix Laughs Out Loudest

Groggy only began to describe his morning.  This was confusing because this was the morning after he was given the gift of time.  One whole hour to use as he saw fit.  Like any good American, he used the time to watch movies he’d already seen.  Not movie, movie-zz.  He had just read Joseph Conrad’s seminal Heart of Darkness for the first time on Friday, so afterward he was motivated to re-visit Francis Ford Coppola’s seminal Apocalypse Now: Redux.  Unfortunately, he didn’t possess the staying power to make it through the additional 49 minutes this version contained Friday night, so last night was the night to finish that off.  Next, he felt like regretting that his relationship with his brother wasn’t that great, so he turned on Warrior.  It worked.  And it gave him hope that maybe someday he and his brother could have some metaphorical fight which causes them to live happily ever after until the credits scroll.  Wanting to immerse himself deeper in hope, he decided–for a reason he’s never going to explore–to run with a desire for more Tom Hardy and naturally began watching TDKR.  (Mother: that’s the latest Batman movie–you know, the one that came out on my birthday last year).  Taking great pride in his level of discipline, even before the caped crusader made his first appearance, he realized it was late, and went to sleep.

Opening the laptop this morning then, he stared at Netflix’s homepage.  Then it happened.  Nirvana.  The sound of his jaw hitting the floor was the only thing that brought him back.  Excited beyond belief, he saw staring back at him in Netflix’s personalized “Top Ten for Pete” category Miley Cyrus and Demi Moore’s LOL.  How does Netflix do it?  He didn’t even know LOL was out, and yet Netflix knew to place it where he couldn’t miss it.  Immediately, though, not wanting to give Netflix too much credit–they were still just a group of flawed individuals doing their best–he began unraveling the mystery.  After all, he did watch Mission Impossible’s 1-4 in a ten hour window that one night.  Oh, and There Will Be Blood has streamed down to his screen more than a few times.  Now that he really thought about it, anyone who has watched The Avengers is sure to have a Demi Moore poster or two on their bedroom ceiling.  Now he was starting to actually reconsider whether he should so readily praise Netflix.  And come to think of it, he did recently read that the people behind Mel Gibson’s latest film, Get the Gringo, were coming out with a similarly flavored mother-daughter how-did-you-become-such-a-screw-up-when-I-put-all-my-energy-into-raising-you-to-not-be-just-like-me-even-though-I-am-still-a-screw-up-to-this-day chick-flick starring two females who people actively hide their children from.  It seemed there was no mystery to Netflix’s methods after all.

Resigned, he closed the laptop and took his cereal bowl to the counter.  “I’ll get around to it,” he thought to himself, preempting the angel that was about to tell him to just put it directly in the dishwasher.

Falling into the couch, he shed a tear.  Like every other company, it seemed that Netflix was succeeding by simple logic.

****

Incidentally, if you’re not aware, here is a link to a third party site that connects directly to Netflix and actually makes sense.  www.instantwatcher.com