Augustine of Hippo is given preeminence as the mortal, next to Paul of Tarsus, who did most to spread Christianity. One of the reasons he is held in such high accord is because his Confessions struck such a powerful chord with his contemporaries.

I’m not going to mimic him and attempt to write a lengthy confessions. But, like all bloggers, I do like sharing my inner most thoughts. I find it edifying, as they say. So here’s one that pertains to my last job.

During class last semester, the professor recommended reading a book on war. His words were something close to, “Want to know what war is like? Read this book.” As a combat veteran, my immediate and lasting thought was, “Ha. That won’t do the trick.” Therefore, my confession is that I do not respect “authorities” who lack the experience they are supposed to be an authority on. A man who hasn’t fought a war reporting on which account he believes to be an accurate one is just plain silly. And the professor’s next words were even sillier. He said, “And by all accounts, soldiers admit that what they are really fighting for is each other.” He stole that right off the Lone Survivor movie preview. Are soldiers fighting for each other? Certainly. But I took my officer’s oath of office very seriously. I swore “To support and defend the US Constitution.” One difference between the officer oath and the enlisted oath is the absence of the phrase “obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me…” in the officer’s oath. Sure, I wanted to get everyone home safely with a victory, but as an officer I always felt there was something more to my role. On some level I, not the enlisted man, was responsible for the fight. And believe you me that I really struggle with the current international climate and the ongoing terrorism and my role in it. Did I (and my forerunners and those still serving) give rise to terrorism? Does terrorism persist because I did not fulfill my oath? What would my actions be (what will they be) if our historical situation were reversed and an Islamic country was imposing their will on my Christian (secular if you must) country? (as of today, my answers are: Probably, Yes, and Build more theologically sound Christian churches in an effort to unleash the Holy Ghost’s transformative power, and out of these create a culture that took pride in how many wounded enemies (and Americans) we fed and nursed back to health with our superior compassion and medical capabilities.)

All of this to say that if I ever find myself in front of a classroom at a seminary, I won’t have to say, “Want to know about war? Read this book. Want to know about strip clubs? Read this book.” Relating to clubs, I know the reason first-hand why my childhood church, and Christianity in general, viewed bars–strip clubs especially–so dogmatically and so negatively. And my experience working at one has stripped me of the fear I had of them. Furthermore, I believe I now possess the tools with which to chat with interested parties about the subject.

I also was lucky. I didn’t get maimed or killed in the “war” I fought in. And I only once took a cheap shot at the club I worked in (my thick skull comes in handy at times, it seems). Things could’ve been much worse in both situations. But risk is the price of experience.

Experience. It’s one of the four criteria for good theology. The other three include scripture, tradition, and reason. But the God of scripture, tradition, and reason is no God at all if he doesn’t exist in experience. One attribute of God is omnipresence. God is everywhere at all times. Suburban living raised me to recite that (formal curriculum), but also taught me to acknowledge that God isn’t everywhere, that he has been overrun in some buildings, by some people (hidden curriculum).

Even now most Christian readers cannot resolve my claim’s tension. Was God in the club? Most definitely. How do I know? Because everybody in the club was alive. They (including me) were down, but not out. And that club in specific has one thing on many, many churches (and also other social institutions): The club welcomed ev-er-y-one.

Remember when I said I’m not going to seminary to be a preacher? That’s still true. But if I was aiming to be a preacher, you better believe that at my church we’d be taking all comers. No strip club is going to corner the market on lost people in my town.

I was not fired because of my religion. That needs to be clear from the beginning. In the current political climate it is illegal to fire people because of their religion, and, again, I do not believe my religion was the reason I was fired. The reason I’m explaining this is because the reasons I was told I was fired don’t seem based in reality as I experienced it and/or grievous enough to warrant termination versus feedback. If it wasn’t my religion, if it wasn’t the stated reasons, what then was I fired for?

“Hold on to your butts.”

My story begins last November, November 2014. I had quit working in the oil fields in favor of self-publishing a couple books and living the good life. Book nearing completion, by the end of the holidays it was coming to crunch time. By the end of January, I swallowed hard and realized my first short novel would not make money. I began to look at my options for part-time employment. As I love pizza, and as there is a bit of an urban legend about pizza delivery being lucrative, I considered it. Then, one night while hanging out with a friend in a strip club, I had a better idea. I remembered Mark Twain’s sage advice about finding work. In volume one of his autobiography he writes that you should think about what you would do for free, and then go from there (essentially). I looked around the club at all the staff and thought, “Hmm. I have to imagine that these places have the same hiring dilemma that every company has. I bet I could get a job here.” Not to mention I am a wicked dancer.

Before you jump to conclusions, keep in mind that I do not believe in fear. I’ve been afraid a couple times in my life and it was not pleasant. Strip clubs, from the earliest age, always caused me fear. I was afraid of them. And that was no good. So to face my fear, last February, with very little to lose and desperate for a job that wouldn’t drive me crazy, I got a job at a strip club.

This was not a solo venture, either. I sought out the advice of many friends of all ages. The older the friend, the more encouragement I received to explore this opportunity. (Young people are so worried about resumes it’s bizarre.) Anyhow, I was very nervous about the whole endeavor from day one, but the company I worked for was corporate enough that everything was tolerable, and more. It was fun. I could see why people do the work. Citizens, you folks and me, like to let loose from time to time and strip clubs exist as the penultimate place to party. So I helped facilitate your parties, getting paid all the while.

A few weeks in, a friend asked me how it was going. His tone indicated that he didn’t want the usual, cheerful, of-course-everything-is-alright answer that we’re trained to give. So I answered him honestly. I said, “Things are good. They’re good. I think I’m going to have to go to seminary afterwords if I still want to make it to heaven, but I like going to work and it pays the bills.”

Well, as he says in August Wilson’s Piano Lesson, “Time go’d on. Time go’d on.” The part-time gig was lucrative, but part-time. I saw what the business was and was fine with it, so I started voicing that I’d like to be a manager. Given my professional history, though they didn’t know me very long, they took a chance on me that I am very grateful for. So now I was an assistant manager of a strip club. Smiling every day at both the irony of my life and the easy money, I especially loved the meetings where we brainstormed how to throw a better party.

Keep in mind, all the while, I had been going to my church as often as I could and even playing piano occasionally during the Wednesday night prayer meetings. Talk about some inner turmoil. But Jesus ate with prostitutes, I told myself.

As the summer drew to a close, I determined that I could use a bit more cash to keep up with child support and kindergarten costs. In the back of my mind I knew I still had a chunk of my GI Bill available to use to go back to school. It has a healthy monthly stipend in addition to paying for the education. If done right, it can be a perfect second job. Since I was working only at night, everything seemed to fall into sync. I followed through on my comment about seminary and began to take classes towards a Masters of Divinity in Theology at an Evangelical Christian seminary–while managing a strip club. I smile every time I think of it. You should too.

(I’m sure I will write more on the job in the future, but that’s not what this post is about so be patient.)

Once I began the semester, I quickly realized that the school would not be smiling. Maybe I’m totally wrong, but so far only the wisest of older Christians seem able to possess a manifest understanding of how the little situation I was in was actually as ingenious as I thought it was. Be that as it may, I avoided talking about work at all costs while at school and fervently prayed that no one would ask me directly where I worked. Omission is one thing, direct lying is another. I loved my school and did not want to get asked to leave.

Naturally, because I talk a lot, people at work learned where I was going to school and for what degree. As fearful as I was of my school rejecting me, I was astonished at how supportive everyone at work was. The general consensus was, “Right on. Do what you love.” Keep in mind that an Evangelical Christian is inherently one which believes it is a Christian’s duty to share the Gospel. Perhaps you’ve met one? Also remember that it is the federal government’s duty to provide a workplace which is free from proselytizing. So I never shared the gospel at work. I sometimes talked about an interesting idea that was presented in class, but to me that was no different than what any student that has a job does. For example, I shared that we were taught that (as I mentioned earlier in a post) the reason God curses the ground (work) after the fall of man is because God wants nothing earthbound to satisfy humans. Almighty God designed the time-space universe to point back to him and he is our sole satisfaction, the theological speculation goes. That’s why we’re all miserable at work (despite everyone and their brother trying to tell us that happiness is found in the workplace if only…you buy their book). I shared this particular idea because I was floored by the way this accurately described my life. I’ve been aimlessly wandering around the professional field for three years now and when I headed to a place that most people locate somewhere near the bottom, I ended up at a seminary looking for answers. Hmm. This was a fascinating coincidence in my mind and I presented it as such. But I’m open to the fact that even that might be illegal proselytizing. If that’s the case, however, I need to go back to human interaction school next.

In any case, time go’d on and as you know I finally finished up the semester last Friday. Busy doesn’t begin to describe the last 3+ months. Nor does the seminary’s favorite word “tension” do justice to my soul’s experience. But I made it.

Then I was fired Monday night.

Only now, in retrospect, does it all make sense. I was so mixed up. Boobs will do that to a man, I guess. I was so worried about the school finding out my job, that I never, not once, stopped to consider the flip side. I also never intended to be a problem child for the company, though I fully agree that people who look at this story on paper only could reasonably conclude that I am one. You see, strip clubs are on the edge of the legal envelope. Club’s owned by fellas with an accurate assessment of the value of the long game cannot afford to cut corners. Workplace harassment of any kind cannot be tolerated precisely because all of you assume that it is a natural part of strip club culture. “Of course she got sexually harassed, look at where she works” etc. Because of this, the whole industry is engulfed in the fear of legal issues. (There’s that word again. Fear.) Court is expensive, and no one wants to go. Therefore, the company takes the law very seriously–in an effort to avoid lawsuits.

Then there’s me. Let’s role play now. Suppose you’re my boss and you know about my school. For some reason, you acknowledge something that I–the one going to the school and working for you–don’t. You believe that the two are incompatible. If you are hyper-sensitive to employment lawsuits, can you legally ask me what’s going on or what my intentions are? I wish they would have, but I can’t see how they could have. Once the very subject is broached, I (not me, of course, I would never engage in a court battle as faithful readers know) would have the upper hand in their eyes. I’d be un-fire-able. Employment for life. You can’t ask someone about their religion and then fire them for another reason. So they never asked. And I was fired for another reason (again, they did not fire me for proselytizing or comment in any way on the matter, which they would have been fully right to do had they believed I was in fact proselytizing). Fair enough.

Despite the loss of income, I’m still smiling. I may be the first person to have ever done what I just did last semester. Seriously. Y’ever heard o’ such a thang? Seminary student by day, strip club manager by night? The Lord works in mysterious ways.

A former co-worker from a previous job told me once, “Pete, you sure love to stir shit up.” I guess I do. I wonder which historical figure’s model I’m following?

Looking ahead, I could (and probably will) write endlessly about this experience. It was rich, as they say. And I’m grateful for having it. But this is all for today. Merry Christmas people.

 

Barely. I’m tired. (Keep in mind, there was much more reading from PDF’s, and all the paper writing. Oh, and the Koine Greek–not to mention full time work.)

I tell you what. I’m still running on the inside. Hopefully I’ll find the peace that passes understanding tomorrow. I only have until the end of January before it begins again. Here’s a photo of the books I read this semester. On the left of The Holy Bible are books I read cover-to-cover, on the right, are books that I read half-or-more. Within the aforementioned Bible, Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua, Judges, Ruth, Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, and Song of Songs. Though those last three were more skimmed than read (forgive me).

If I was you, I’d be dying to know what I think my chances are of getting into heaven (naturally being the ultimate goal, right?) after one semester of a seminary. Well, as always, I’ll offer you a reference point from a movie. Remember Johnny Depp’s Benny and Joon? There’s a scene where the all-to-ready-to-play-Buster-Keaton Depp wants to see his girlfriend who’s locked up in a group home. He employs some of his talent for good, tossing his hat toward the closing door and it slides perfectly between the door and the door frame, thus propping the door open. Overlay the pearly gates onto that scene, and you get the idea.

The thing that bothers me most about tonight is that I am alone. That’s no good and about as anti-Christian as it comes if any of my reading has paid off. Oh well. I’ve made my choices and have few regrets. Someday I’ll stop pushing people away and together we’ll fulfill Augustine of Hippo’s City of God.

I hope to write some more flash fiction over the break. But first, like the rest of you, I have to figure out my Obamacare situation before the 15th. And then I have to renew my pilot’s licenses before the spring semester begins.

I’d like to leave you with this quote by an ol’ timey preacher from the early 20th century named Billy Sunday. (To be clear, if you’re not wearing a silly grin after you read the following, dial 9-1-1.) Apparently he’s famous for proclaiming,

“I don’t know any more about theology than a jack-rabbit does about ping-pong, but I’m on the way to glory!”

As the Boondock Saints would say, “I do believe the Monsignor has finally got the point.”

Amen.

With little H- as conclusive evidence, yes, it is true, I have had sex. It can feel good.

The fantasy or foreplay of sex, most of us would probably admit, can feel good–even better than sex itself sometimes.

Eating amazing food is pretty great. (Here I’m thinking the choicest cut steaks cooked rare, beet red tuna sashimi, fresh croutons, cheese cubes, hard-boiled eggs–heck, anything in a monster salad that isn’t a vegetable–and, of course, cheesy, bready, pepperoni-ee, sausage-ee pizza.)

Sneezing has always had a unique feeling of pleasure to me, too. Especially solo sneezing when I am able to liberate my body from any social concerns and just let it get those dust particles OUT!!

Laughing. I love laughing. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I will sacrifice nearly anything (friends, family, jobs) to help someone laugh–even if that someone is only me.

Thinking about a blissful, eternal afterlife. That can bring me joy sometimes. The dream of a problem-free existence.

But none of those things, not one of those instances of life can compete with right now. Right now, at this very moment, I am living within the sure knowledge that at this time, one week from today, I will have completed a semester of school. No matter how little sleep I get, no matter how poor my grades turn out to be (I’m doing fine…just trying to stay humble), no matter what else happens, next Friday, December 11th, 2015, my brother’s one-hundred-and-elevenenenth birthday, I will have officially completed something.

Boy! I wish I could stay in this moment forever. Talk about joy. If only I could bottle this feeling. This is it.

At the end of the film Seven, Morgan Freeman’s character opens a box and declares, “John Doe has the upper hand.” That admission characterizes my experiences at the seminary thus far. I thought I knew.

****

When learning about God, there are apparently many, though not infinite, key terms. Many of you know these. Omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, benevolent. Some people have thought they were really witty and thought they really proved something by asking if because of these attributes God can make an rock that is so heavy he cannot move it. H. Ray Dunning writes, “Both [Martin] Luther and [John] Calvin vigorously resist all speculation about God beyond what is revealed. Each, with a great deal of seriousness, tells the same anecdote about anyone who would raise a question about what God was doing before He created the world. The answer: He was making hell for curious people.”* Ell-Oh-Ell.

If I may indulge in my own assessment of the passing scene, it is that the Adversary, the great Satan himself, had a hand in creating Microsoft Powerpoint and the idea that preachers should use it. If there is one thing God, in the person of the Holy Ghost, cannot do, it is overcome the trappings of Microsoft Powerpoint presentations. Perhaps my belief stems from my indoctrination at the hands of the US Air Force which had me reciting “death by power-point” when describing what a Training Day would entail to new officers. Or perhaps it is historical reality. In either case, I have yet to see this supposed communication tool be employed without embarrassment in any situation, let alone one as dynamic as a sermon. To be clear, MS Powerpoint is simply a better way to pass around a picture. Put the image on the screen. Tell us to look at it. Then take the image down and move on. Publicly tying yourself to an outline is a sure way to detract from any possible benefits unseen forces–whether holy or unholy–can add to your presentation.

****

I saw Creed on Thanksgiving. It was simply fantastic. My brother mentioned that he was going to show his wife the first six movies before taking her to see this, the seventh. I told him that just wouldn’t work. Rocky can’t be “got” in 12 hours. The critics seem to agree. What is so special about Rocky? For me, Rocky is the ultimate example of man who lives without a hidden curriculum. My attempt to do the same is to share that I am taking the courses I’m taking at an Evangelical Christian Seminary because I can’t tell if I like Christianity because I was taught it at a young age or because it is historical reality in this time-space universe. What is odd, to me, is that while these days I definitely credit Jesus et al. with keeping me alive, I have no problem ceding that Stallone’s Rocky has had more immediate impacts on my everyday life. “Like” this post if you would have never attempted a one-armed push-up if it wasn’t for Rocky.

****

If you’re looking for a Christmas gift for anyone who you think resembles me regarding their pursuit of self, get them James K. A. Smith’s How (Not) To Be Secular. Charles Taylor wrote a very long book that Smith summarizes succinctly. Taylor’s longer book is, Smith says, a map of our history and attempts to account for how in the year 1500 atheism didn’t exist and in the year 2000 theism is probably more difficult to maintain (yet people do). Taylor’s book is apparently 900+ pages. Smith’s is 139. One sentence is not going to do justice to Taylor’s ideas, but, again, it is a solid attempt to explain how the Protestant Reformation (a re-forming of worldviews), despite Christian designs, led to what Taylor calls “exclusive humanism” and atheism.

One of the main “hidden curriculums” that Taylor’s long tome exposes (according to Smith) is that it isn’t cold, hard scientific realities that have replaced the Christian story, but the appeal of being able to tell the story of how little ol’ me has now, through maturation and age, gained the courage to stare down the fact that life is without meaning.**  And it’s a great story. But is it true? I don’t know.

****

One thing that has my interest today is the idea of the inerrant nature of scripture. We’re learning Koine Greek and no one has any problem saying that the New Testament’s grammar isn’t inerrant. I can’t explain why, but upon hearing this my mind immediately went to the fact that grammar is itself only a convention. It’s not like God cares about whether sentences end in prepositions. So then I think about what written language is anyhow. Obviously it is communication. But this whole inerrancy thing seems to rapidly become merely a fight picked by *some* Christians. It causes lines to be drawn in the sand that perhaps allow for rightful displacing of heresies, but it also seems to fulfill prideful desires to be “right”. Do I believe the Bible is without error or contradiction? I certainly believe that many aged and mature Christians make that argument. And I trust their judgement. But, for me, inerrancy means that I believe the Bible, Old and New Testaments, is the final authoritative revelation of God’s word. I love Leo Tolstoy and Mark Twain–love them, probably idolize them. But where they disagree with the writer or Matthew or Luke or Paul or Moses, I concede that the canon of scripture wins.

And, yet, before any bible verses, some of the first quotes I have taught H- to recite are (relating to piano) Immortal Beloved’s, “A mistake is nothing. A lack of passion is unforgivable,” and relating to life, Tolstoy’s, “Happiness is not the realization of desire.” Then again, perhaps I’m not the most orthodox of Christians. Who knows?

*Dunning, H. Ray. Grace, Faith, and Holiness: A Wesleyan Systematic Theology. Kansas City: Beacon, 1988, 113.

**Smith, James K. A. How (Not) To Be Secular: Reading Charles Taylor. Grand Rapids: WM. B. Eerdmans, 2014, 77.

Religious indoctrination in a seminary has been very trying. There is an enormous love of the word “tension”–enormous. Tension between this and that. Tension everyday. Oh. And “unpack”. I have never heard the word “unpack” so many times before. “We’ll unpack this in a bit.” Okay then.

Here’s some unpacking from a Captain. (Former Captain–for those of you who were not privileged enough to make my group text, I am officially in every sense of the words “Honorably Discharged” from the Air Force as of last month.) Back to the unpacking. Here’s the greatest tension as I see it. The church fathers that history presents to us were avid writers. It seems at times that when they heard the bible verses which recommended unceasing prayer, they heard unceasing writing. We’re talking volumes upon volumes, confessions upon confessions. I love it. But I also want to do it myself. And I feel like there’s a unspoken belief that we (humanity) are beyond it. Well I’m not beyond it. I have my doubts and I want to explore them via the written word. This anonymous blog will have to suffice as I’m not entirely convinced I’ll be accepted into the group at school if I share everything with them. Let’s get started then.

****

One aspect of the seminary I am at, an aspect that distinguishes it from other seminaries, is that there is a character development class. You read that right. I started this adventure with the idea of it being purely academic, and now face the fact that if I want a degree, I have to undergo two and a half years of character development. I’m kind of in love with the idea, while I simultaneously dread undergoing any changes. Because, you know, I’m perfect today.

****

A part of this character development is the notion that my job has something to do with my religion. As I’ve recorded on this blog already, I kind of disagree with this idea wholeheartedly. The course presents the concept that, generally speaking, church-goers view a missionary as more important to the Kingdom than a plumber. Obviously this presents a huge problem since there are only so many missionaries, and yet my toilet runs right now. I believe that what follows are my most wise and encouraging to plumbers conclusions about life from one semester of introspection thus far. When talking about earning money, and whether or not there is a value in God’s eyes to the type of work you do, there are two questions that must be answered by Christians and whose answering will illustrate the ridiculousness of valuing one form of work over another.

“Should anyone be paid money to have a relationship with God?”

“What portion of your paycheck should be funded by sinners?”

****

This brings me to another major tension. I confessed with the intent of gaining laughter and respect that I see the world through movies, and the professor responded with a, “Really?” She wasn’t entirely judging me, but her tone suggested some shock. Yet, every single class has referenced a major Hollywood production–every single class. The film Gladiator has made numerous appearances, and regarding a person’s professional endeavors, I have always identified Maximus’ servant Cicero’s line, “Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time I do what I have to do.”

Denver loves the idea of monetizing your passion. It’s horseshit to me. Just pay your bills. What you do when you’re not working is the real test. (In my humble opinion.)

****

When dealing with God’s providence, by which I mean the notion of to what level God dictates your actions, I find strength in the non-canonical film The Last Samurai when Tom Cruise says about changing his destiny, “I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.”

Then again, I view all of life through movies.

****

The other day H- learned how to play We Wish You A Merry Christmas during her piano lesson. The Muppets perform a hilarious version of the song and I had her listen to it. Randomly (and awesomely) H- responded by declaring that she has a new name. She says, “My first name is ‘Won’t Go’ and my last name is ‘Kindergarten’.” Then she looks up and says, “And my middle name is, ‘Light bulb.’ ‘Won’t Go Light bulb Kindergarten.'”  I love the Freudian slip nature of that, and also the native american roots.

****

Lastly, H-, who is 5 1/2 these days, always asks me to open her door when I finally decide to go to bed myself. I have often asked her why she wants the door open, because to me it seems like letting in any light at all would have the opposite effect on my own desire to sleep. In the past when she simply answered, “Because”, I let it go. For some reason tonight I didn’t let it go. I asked three times, “Why do you want the door open?” She finally confessed, “Because I don’t like turning the door handle.”

Boom.

Honesty on that level is so refreshing. “I don’t like turning the door handle.” So little H- is afraid she might not make it out of her room when she wakes up. I feel like there is a sermon in that admission. Something along the lines of how, metaphorically, the non-Christian, atheistic belief system alternatives give me no way to open the door whereas, on the other hand, Jesus provides the strength to open the door. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just addicted to the opiate of the masses.

****

Oh, and lastly, if I may indulge myself, I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that American Christians must use the word “unfortunate” infinitely more often than they currently do. It is only in asserting how many people on this planet are unfortunate that American Christians will actually begin to recognize the possibly atheistic reasons behind their own good fortunes.

By way of example, I am incredibly fortunate. I come from a culture which values honesty and straight teeth. I have three years of experiential evidence that I will never have a difficult time finding a job that supports my lifestyle. And I can admit that that has nothing to do with Christianity. In fact, I view it as a hindrance to my Christian character.

****

Actually I can keep going. In the character development course, the professor identified the idea of formal versus hidden curriculum. For example, formal curriculum is that all ages are welcome in a worship service. Hidden curriculum is that crying babies are not welcome (as disapproving glares from old people are gathered).

This is the big point of life, isn’t it? Announcing the hidden curriculum. What are we really saying to each other? From where I sit, humanity just hears the loudest claims. COCA-COLA IS THE GREATEST SOFT DRINK! BUDWEISER IS THE KING OF BEERS! LOUIS VUITTON IS THE BEST PURSE MAKER! WAL-MART IS THE ONLY STORE YOU NEED! HAPPINESS IS THE REALIZATION OF DESIRE!

Of course none of those are true, no matter how many beverages we buy or desires we realize, are they?

****

Are they?