Tagged: flash fiction
Quickly Then
I should be reading, but the content of what I have been reading compels me to write.
****
First, in a class session discussion on the intricacies of Bible interpretation, we were presented with the idea that the goal of interpretation is discovering the author’s intended meaning. Seems fair enough. Within this there is something called the Speech-Act theory, which carries the assumption “that authors or speakers write or speak with a purpose; words have a performative function.” (Class notes…not my idea). Thus, I learned three new words: locution, illocution, and perlocution.
Locution: the words employed on the page.
Illocution: the author’s intended impact on the readers.
Perlocution: the thing/response the author intends for his reader.
So, if I write, “Jesus loves you,” my locution is, “Jesus loves you.” My illocution (impact) on you is, “There is hope.” And my perlocution (response I intend to incite in you) is, “live life in a spirit of Christian brotherhood.” Now you know.
****
In a book called The Next Christendom, the author writes the following,
“Middle Eastern Christian communities flourished until they were devastated by a series of wars, expulsions, and population exchanges between 1915 and 1925, during and immediately following World War I. … Iraq, too, had a venerable Christian community that in the 1980s might have accounted for some 4 percent of the population. Since that point, though, it has been gravely reduced by the combined effects of war, sanctions, and persecution, and many Christian leaders have been murdered. Quite conceivably, Christian life in Iraq might entirely disappear within a few decades (33).”*
The book overall is startling in its announcement that Christianity is more widespread in the Global South than the stereotypical White Western World, but (perhaps because two of my three deployments to Iraq had me rooming and flying with uber-Christians who believed their service to the country via the military was tied to their Christianity at the least, and at the most a bizarre self-manifestation of biblical prophecy) on the whole as I read about Iraq’s demographics I felt an acute sadness.
****
Lest any of you think my schooling is having the intended effect of opening the pearly gates for little ol’ me, I also wanted to share that I recently have come to hate suburban Coloradans in large pick-up trucks. That I harbored this attitude came to my attention a month or so ago when I was being tailgated by one such devil and was having nearly physiological manifestations of anger that I could not explain. As I attempted to process them through venting to my brother, I realized that my anger was justified by the reality that my Elantra, and its passengers, would suffer great damage if contact was made with such a tailgater.
Well, on Friday, after picking up H-, out of the corner of my eye I saw one of these trucks essentially run a stop sign on a side street and end up behind me. His errand was clearly more important than mine and so he attempted to let his truck inform me of this fact. In a classic case of developing road rage, when he saw I wasn’t going to accelerate beyond the speed limit for his pleasure, he thought he perceived an opening in the right-hand lane and aggressively changed lanes in order to take it. Calling upon my inner-asshole, I mildly accelerated to ensure that there was no room between me and the car in front of him. He then got behind me and quickly closed in again. I depressed the brake pedal enough to illuminate the lights, but not give rise to contact between us.
I think he honked next, as he waited for the car in the right lane to move relatively forward enough for that to be his better option. I lowered my window and using sign language told him that he could go fuck himself. As he pulled up alongside me, I looked over and saw his window lowering, so I lowered my passenger window. I wonder if I, with my gorgeously Jason Statham-themed hair/gruff, rimless glasses, and Kansas City Royal’s World Series royal blue hoodie, in my compact car appeared as cliche as he and his white, bald, bearded head, in his monster truck appeared. He shouts, “What the fuck is your problem?” I answer, “What’s your problem?” (Admit nothing, deny everything, make immediate counter-accusation. Works every time. Ha.) He informs me that I am his problem, then he rapidly moves to my mom being his problem (?). Then, with exponential speed (I can’t make this up) my mom becomes a “black bitch” and the conversation concludes with his confused facial expression as I dispassionately yell, “I like your truck!” before we each go our own ways.
H- was confused by the situation and wondered aloud why he called me a girl, when I clearly wasn’t one, and so yeah, I guess there must have been another round of banter before my idea of Christian brotherhood manifested as a compliment regarding his vehicle choice.
On the whole, the entire event has me contemplating becoming a hermit. What do you think?
****
This post’s locution–read it again. Illocution: “arouse empathetic feelings that despite my espousing lofty ideals, I am living in the same world as you, in the same condition.” Perlocution: “Don’t placate to monster truck driving imbeciles, really give some thought to how effectively fighting spreads the Gospel, and pray for me.”
*Jenkins, Philip. The Next Christendom: The Coming of Global Christianity. New York: Oxford UP, 2011.
For Your Pleasure – A Seminary Paper
A friend of mine said, “It would be nice to hear your conclusions as well though,” after I claimed that my seminary-esque posts are as much to capture my state of mind as they are to be evangelical. Well, here’s a paper I just wrote for my class “Israel’s Early History and Poetry”. It’s a book review that concludes with my thoughts on ministerial application. A couple of notes: Part of my intent is to encourage folks to attend more formal education. See how my writing isn’t uber-perfect? And yet I passed. Second, if you don’t know, the word ‘ibid’ in the footnotes or end-notes simply means the same source as just cited. So in this case, all my citing is from the same book. Without further ado.
I have only ever met two declared pacifists—an old married couple. They had recently joined the gym where I worked and I was their personal trainer for a few weeks. It was a part-time job while I waited to hear if I had been selected to go to pilot training in the Air Force. Oh, and then there was the time my mom sat me down in an effort to really dissuade me from joining. From the look on her face and the fact that we never talked about it again, I think that’s when she determined I must be too stupid to understand the cost of military service. Even she, though, was not acting out of principled belief. She just didn’t want me to die. An old couple and my mom. That’s it. Every other adult, every church member, every teacher, every scout leader—every single influential human in my life—valued military service. Ergo, I served.
****
War occurs in the Bible. Total war occurs and is sanctioned by God in the Bible (Joshua 6:17). And yet Christianity has as its leader a man who said, “Love your enemy” (Matthew 5:44). Putting into play Christian theologian’s favorite word, it seems the word tension is applicable; a tension exists regarding humanity’s political scene and Christianity’s role. War in the Bible and Terrorism in the Twenty-First Century is a collection of post-9/11 writings that each attempt to ease this tension.[1] With the exception of Strassen’s “Just Peacemaking Reduces Terrorism between Palestine and Israel,” the writings are not so much intended to “call to action” as much as capture contemporary sentiments regarding the tension. They are a quick survey of the mood of a few Christian thinkers.
In addition to the personal anecdote above, we will begin the book review with Dr. Hess’s article. In it, Hess posits that there is value in beginning, not with the soft command to “love your enemy” but rather with God’s role in war in the Hebrew Bible. He argues that in starting with the Hebrew Bible, we ought gain perspective.[2] Implicit to this assessment is the timeline of the Hebrew Bible. While we’re over two millennia removed from both the New and Old Testaments, the New Testament timeline covers less than a century of data, whereas the Old Testament’s covers more than a millennia. Seeing no reason to disagree with this strategy, we’ll follow Hess willingly. To begin, Hess rather quickly asserts that it is mistaken to conclude that the Hebrew Bible is singular in its presentation of God’s valuation of war.[3] He offers instead a three-pronged approach with which to navigate the territory and devotes a few pages to each. The first is “Yahweh as Warrior,” second “Israel at War,” and third “Accounts of War as Propaganda.”[4] Taking each by turn, then, Hess concludes that the Hebrew Bible’s portrayal of God as warrior both for and, at times, against Israel is “consistent only if one recognizes that Yahweh’s warfare forms part of his commitment to preserve his holiness.”[5] Next, Hess doesn’t make an argument per se instead he opts to simply survey the types of war that Israel may or may not have participated in. The real value of going this route is his conclusion regarding holy wars in ancient history. To be clear, Hess argues that “no ancient war was entirely secular.”[6] While quite obvious after it’s made explicit, this observation centers the matter greatly. Ancient people, not unlike our contemporaries, invoked deities in matters of life and death. The question remains, however, how should the Christian behave? Pacifist or reluctant militant? Moving forward to his third-of-three discussion on the Hebrew Bible as war propaganda designed to intimidate Israel’s enemies from afar, Hess presents comparative evidence which convincingly demonstrates that this is not likely. Most notably, he argues that even when very specific descriptions of total victory occur, no other political states are mentioned as witnesses—and this is quite unlike other ancient culture’s propaganda-filled historical records.[7] Finally, Hess concludes that the Hebrew Bible certainly incorporates war into the human scene as a “necessary evil”.[8]
Immediately following Hess’s chapter, space is afforded to an argument advancing shalom. Here we must remind ourselves that the tension is concrete and caused by the disparity between Jesus’ command to love our enemies and the Old Testament’s portrayal as God as an active participant in total war. In War in the Bible’s third chapter, Elmer A. Martens argues that Jesus’ command to “turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39)” is actually the starting and ending place regarding the Christian’s behavior. Martens argues that the Christian—by nature a pacifist—best advances the kingdom by absorbing violence.[9] Obviously Martens, employing the same method as Hess just from the opposite angle, begins his discussion on the tension with prescriptions found in the New Testament. Several pages in, he addresses his reasoning and how he incorporates the Old Testament God that commands, and at times, participates in human warring. He writes that the proper way to assess the painful tension is to view the Old Testament as a necessary juxtaposition to the New Testament’s revelation—not as a contrarian formula for a right relationship with God.[10]
Martens then uses quite a few pages of argument to categorize the different ways God relates to war and violence in the Old Testament. Like Hess, Martens finds strength in threes. His grouping includes: societal violence, God-commanded Israeli violence, and God being directly violent.[11] The most magnetic of these three categories proves to be Marten’s handling of instances of God being directly violent, such as the Flood (Genesis 6-9). He first spells out the ultimately unconvincing and passé “the Lord works in mysterious ways” argument.[12] But then, at least from this writer’s experience, Martens detours onto a radical new course. Instead of lingering on stagnating and baffling uncertainty, he begins to build a case for pacifism that involves his reasoning that God’s participation in violence, taken together with a cheek-turning command can only be resolved by confessing that, as it is most bluntly recorded in Deuteronomy 32:35, vengeance should be left to God and God alone.[13] This is an uncommon and welcome challenge to cultural norms. Rather than “pacifism,” he uses the phrase “absorb the violence” to describe this recommended attitude.[14] Ultimately, if Marten’s argument clearly does anything that both “just cause” and “pacifist” Christians should be able to agree on, it is that it places the burden of proof on the “just cause” Christians. In effect, his argument forces them to answer, “So you’re telling me that our Savior, the same one who bought our salvation through the absorption of violence, offers a loophole for when times get really tough and hope for peace appears nowhere to be found?” And answer they must.
An article by M. Daniel Carrol R. follows Martens and straightaway we find ourselves amidst another argument for peace and nonviolence. Immediately, Carrol establishes that he is not pulling punches by personalizing his argument. This humanizes Carrol and implicitly makes that point that this debate is not occurring within a heartless vacuum. His own Christian walk illustrated, rather directly, the tension War in the Bible highlights and this necessitated his forming a doctrine. Several pages into the chapter, Carrol presents the first clue to his ultimate thesis. He writes that in the debate between Neibuhr’s “necessary evil” and “pacifism,” another thinker, an ethicist named Stanley Hauerwas, makes the point that the real problem is that Neibuhr’s argument is framed by “the world”, not God.[15]
Like Hess before him, Carrol centers on the Old Testament to illustrate his argument’s scriptural soundness. Exhaustively, he presents the historical context of Isaiah’s recounting of the Assyrian invasion.[16] Carrol carries us through the importance of leader’s with high character and also how preparations for war and practical defense often result in pushing pursuit of relationship with God aside.[17] Like the Isaiah he so thoroughly exegetes, he is not afraid of clearly stating the actual challenge of following God’s instruction: trust.[18] Current events, not only current threats but also quantifiable population shifts, create an environment which scoffs at the idea of trusting God unless we also fund the US military. But that’s what Carrol argues we’re to do, if we’re to learn from the lesson of Judah in Isaiah. Will we learn?
Regarding the remaining few chapters of the book, we find ourselves amidst a nuanced discussion by Daniel R. Heimbach of whether pre-emptive war can be supported by “just cause” advocates.[19] Then, Tony Praff attempts to delineate war from crime on the international stage, and explain why the difference matters to Christians.[20] We’re then presented with Ian G. C. Durie’s useless argument that answers the question that we were unaware anyone is even asking, being, “Can terrorism be used for good?”[21] Incredulity aside the answer, not surprisingly, is no.[22] Glen H. Stassen’s concluding chapter of the book is one that, rather convincingly, argues for seeking the common ground on which pacifists and “just cause-ists” can mutually stand, that is what every Christian should insist upon no matter their current position—peace.[23] Finally, not wanting to leave out the first chapter, we confess being impressed with the careful attention Miroslav Volf gives to illustrating the danger of being seduced by notions of “absolute hospitality”, moreover he wisely establishes that Christianity is “thick” not “thin” (itself the likely reason Volf was afforded placed at the beginning of the book).[24] And any attempts to place religion as the mother of violence are only possible if the advocate uses “thin” Christianity, that is, an un-reflected Christianity.
The total effect these other chapters have is two-fold. First, they—especially Heimbach and Durie—establish the “just cause” tenets for those souls uninitiated in our tension. Second, with the exception of Strassen’s attempt at common ground, they illustrate the strength of Carrol and Marten’s pacifist stances. Once violence is admitted into the life of a Christian, the simple truth of the gospel is lost in the details. In its place the much frowned upon legalism of the Pharisees and Sadducees is called to mind—a veritable, unending argument that sounds like, “It’s okay here, but not here.”
****
After entirely too many viewings of Top Gun as a child, I served as an officer and pilot in the United States Air Force for eight years. During those eight years, for a variety of reasons, I strayed from the Christianity I fervently possessed as a child. I am not sure of my “calling” as of today, but I am sure that my service gives me—unqualified for certain—respect in the minds of Christians and non-Christians alike. Taken together, I see War in the Bible’s practical use in my ministry as providing an academic grounding to my own convictions that peace must be on the forefront of the Christian’s mind and heart. Every believer must resolve the tension for themselves, but I am confident that the public’s high valuation of my experiences can be used to at least challenge the prevailing notion that war (killing people and breaking things) for Christ is biblical. And every day spent peaceably considering such things is another day without violence.
NOTES:
[1] Hess, Richard S. and Elmer Martens eds. War in the Bible and Terrorism in the Twenty-first Century. Winona Lake: Eisenbrauns, 2008
[2] Ibid., 19.
[3] Ibid., 20.
[4] Ibid., 21-32.
[5] Ibid., 24.
[6] Ibid., 25.
[7] Ibid., 28.
[8] Ibid., 32.
[9] Ibid., 33.
[10] Ibid., 40.
[11] Ibid., 40.
[12] Ibid., 51.
[13] Ibid., 55.
[14] Ibid., 56.
[15] Ibid., 62.
[16] Ibid., 63.
[17] Ibid., 67.
[18] Ibid., 70.
[19] Ibid., 79.
[20] Ibid., 93.
[21] Ibid., 113.
[22] Ibid., 122.
[23] Ibid., 127.
[24] Ibid., 12, 3.
Pagans: Answer! You Must!
Academically-inclined Christians point out that the historical record doesn’t include any (or widespread) denial of the “empty tomb” as evidence that Jesus of Nazareth did, in fact, resurrect and therefore become Jesus Christ.
Supposing you’re an ex-mormon or simply a run-of-the-mill pagan, I’m curious to read comments explaining how you account for this phenomenon.
In other words, you can read; I can read. But we disagree on whether Jesus resurrected after he was crucified. How do you account for the fact that the historical record doesn’t include accounts of people claiming that the stone wasn’t rolled away, that the tomb was not empty?
(For example, I can–for academic purposes–admit that there is a strength to ignoring absurdities.)
–A Wannabe Theologian.
Who’s Fighting For The Leprechauns?
Constitution or no constitution, I think it’s a valid question.
And if my daughter’s classroom had anything to say about them around last St. Patty’s Day, what with chairs overturned and tables on their side, I wouldn’t want to piss those little guys off. They can be awfully mischievous.
Review of Sam Neill’s Velociraptor Speech in the first Jurassic Park
Click here if you need your memory jogged.
Or read these two snippets.
“You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that’s when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two ‘raptors you didn’t even know were there.”
“The point is… you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know… try to show a little respect.”
Do you remember how surprised you were to learn that the ever mysterious and enchanting king of the dinosaurs T-Rex’s visual acuity was based on movement, as “Oh Alan” describes? What an intriguing revelation that was. And then in the time it took for Sam Neill’s index fingers to swing from his side to his front, within that instant, a previously unknown dinosaur severed any remaining connection our minds had with any reality outside the film. From that moment, unlike the annoying kid who has had enough velociraptor for a lifetime, we found ourselves thirsting for them. Like Dana Delany’s head-straightening declaration “I want one” after hearing Billy Zane’s thespianic description of a quintessential cowboy while marveling at a distant, lean-silhouetted Wyatt Earp upon arriving in Tombstone, we wanted velociraptors. And Jurassic Park gave them to us. And to prove how much we wanted them, we set the Memorial Day weekend box office record as we paid to to see the sequel, The Lost World, way back then. Remember that? It’s true.
But the filmmakers failed us in the sequel. They had a little girl gymnastic-kick our beloved.
And then in number three, a velociraptor spoke English.
Last weekend, however, Sam Neill’s speech was back in the forefront as a new box-office record was set by the head-bobbing six-foot turkeys. Why? Why did we rush to see it? Because the previews and movie posters teased us with the idea that we’d get to see what it would be like to have our very own velociraptors. Velociraptors as pets. Awesome.
All because of Sam Neill. Nice work, Sam.
Hot and Bothered
My son’s shoulders were red and his tank top was drenched with sweat. He smelled bad too and though I didn’t want drive away–not yet–I couldn’t help but think how if I didn’t, his car seat would get sweatier and sweatier and probably never not stink again. Only the very top section of his hair was not plastered to his head and was standing straight up as if he was still running around with the other kids. If you looked close enough, you could almost see little chests sticking out of each of the hairs as if they were proud to be counted among the few who held out to the end of the battle.
“Mommy, what’s funny?”
I didn’t raise my head from the steering wheel where I had just placed it. As for me, I was warm for a different reason and in a different place. My shoulders were red from the sun except for where my spaghetti string tank top had only slightly covered each of them, and now that I was away from the man I could finally allow my face to fully flush and match the hue. But I didn’t want Billy to see and comment. Not expecting nor suppressing the giggle that erupted, I deliberately focused on memorizing every feature of his face, physique, and sense of humor. He was perfect. I did not want to forget him. And yet I forgot to give him my number. Dammit. What was his name again? Steve? Brian? Eric! Eric. His name was Eric. Whew.
I did consider raising my head when I heard a knock on my window followed by “Mommy, the man from the park is knocking on your window.” Shocked and not wanting him to see me in this state, as I raised my head I kept my hands where I had had them at the ten and three and I tensely looked away. There was a second round of knocking and a second round of Billy announcing the knocking. For a moment I wondered how long he would stand there and for a briefer moment I wanted to test him–only partly playing–but I didn’t. Finally, turning my head with no small amount what-I-knew-would-be-an-enticing flash of my shoulder length, cute, jet black hair, I looked up at him, smiled, and attempted to lower the window. I had hoped my skin’s normal color had returned to my face, but as I pressed down on the window button, I was certain my face regained whatever red it had lost, this time due to embarrassment. I had forgotten to even turn on the car. No wonder I was so hot. Poor Billy, I chuckled to myself. I could hear the local news’ coverage already: “Local boy and mom rushed to the hospital earlier today. After recovering from a mild case of heat stroke, the mom admitted she had become absentminded after talking to a nice man for the first time in years and subsequently forgot to turn on the car after getting in it to drive home.”
Luckily, the car started and I had the a/c on and window down in no time.
“Hey-” I began.
“Hey-” he interrupted.
We laughed.
“What’s funny, mommy?”
He didn’t seem like he would start again so I finally said, “Yes-” right as he did begin again with, “So-”
We laughed again.
Billy laughed from the back seat.
We laughed harder because of it and Billy kept laughing.
“Should we ro-sham-beaux to determine the order of speakers?” Eric asked.
“Ro-sham-beaux?” Billy repeated.
“No. I’m sorry. Please, go ahead,” I insisted, looking right through his only lightly tinted, tan designer sun-glass lenses and into his remarkable and piercing dark brown eyes.
He looked back at Billy, waived, and then said, “Before you go, I just thought you might want to see this,” as he handed me his phone.
“Can I see, mommy?”
I almost gave the phone right back to him as the screen did not have whatever I was expecting, which I guess I would have to say was another cute meme like the ones he had already shown me. Only a moment before that awkwardness, I realized what he was doing. He was so considerate. He had given me his phone on the “Add New Contact” page with my name so that I could give him my number without the kiddo knowing. He remembered my name. You better believe I triple checked the number, even going as far as texting myself and checking my phone to see that I got it before handing his phone back to him.
“Funny,” I said finally. Turning to Billy, I said, “Not this time, sport.”
“Well, it was my pleasure. Nice to meet you, Billy. Be good for your mom.”
I then watched as he stepped back a ways and stoically raised his open right hand. I would’ve kept looking at him, but when he coolly smiled and winked, I couldn’t keep a straight face so I pretended to clear the passenger side of my reverse.
Dirty Floors
“I’m going to put on my socks just like you do, daddy,” H- volunteered one morning as she got dressed.
The little girl walked barefoot from her room to the kitchen, transitioning from carpet to faux-hardwood floors along the way. Next, she lifted her little foot up onto the kitchen chair. Her father watched with great intent as this struggle ended with no small amount of relief on her part. Nearly doing the standing splits, she now stood with one leg on the chair, one on the ground. Her body language displayed the smallest hint of her enjoying having his full attention. He saw her mimic his routine exactly. She bent forward, wiped off the bottom of her bare foot, and pulled the tiny sock on.
“Point taken,” the man thought to himself, smiling. “You’ve definitely got the gift, H-.”
“Where are you going, daddy?” she asked.
“To get the vacuum.”
Joseph, Where Are You? Still Got That Amazing Coat?
“That’s it. That’s my dream,” Ryan concluded. “What do you think it means?”
“So before your walk-off, World Series winning, grand slam home run landed on the other side of the wall, the baseball hit a naked Scarlett Johansson in the vagina?”
“Yep.”
“I think it’s pretty clear that you want to have sex with Scarlett Johansson.”
Ryan chuckled and sheepishly added, “You’re probably right.”
“Here’s one for you. This dream is the most vivid dream I’ve ever dreamt. To me, that makes it the most important as well.”
“I’m all ears.”
“The setting was right out of the latest Rambo movie–the one in Burma. Do you remember it?”
“Not really.”
“Well there was a part where the bad guys were torturing the civilians. They made them walk across this ankle-deep rice paddy pool of muddy water in the jungle. Picture a square pond thingy. The bad guys had thrown in a bunch of landmines and then were forcing the folks to cross it at gunpoint. It was kind of a variation of Russian roulette. The bad guys were all betting in the background.”
“I think I’m with ya.”
“Okay. So in my dream, the water was deeper, but only like thigh-deep, and roped off in lanes like a lap pool would be. There were no good guys or bad guys, just people. And there were bleachers on the sides, where everyone sat waiting for their turn. It was some sort of military training thing-”
“Wait. Did you have this dream while you were still in?”
“-No. This was after I got out. But not too much after.”
“Okay.”
“Back to the pool. In my dream, there were no landmines. Instead, there were anacondas or boa constrictors or something. Whatever their name, they were huge snakes that wrap around their prey to kill it. What the people who were running the training wanted us to do was feel what it was like to be wrapped up by the snakes. But obviously they didn’t want us dead, so they would kill the snake before the snake killed us.”
“No thank you.”
“Right? Anyhow, what was supposed to happen was we would climb into a lane and start wading across to the other side. Then the snake attacks, and then, not a moment too soon, the staff jumps in to cut us free.”
“Crazy.”
“Well, here’s the kicker. A buddy from work was in the dream. He was also a veteran. He was sitting beside me on the bleacher, towel-drying off. He had already done it. I was waffling back and forth unable to decide whether I wanted to or not. I knew it would be probably the coolest man-card hole-punch ever to be able to say that I was wrapped up by a thirty foot long killer snake, but I’m not terribly fond of snakes as it is, nor did I really want to trust my life to the hope that other men would time their rescue just right. So I was trying to tell him that I didn’t want to do it. He began to kid me about being afraid and I got angry and serious and began to tell him how I was done with all this “prove myself” nonsense. But then, right as I was sure I was leaving, I began to think about the glory and nearly decided to just do it.”
“So what’d you do?”
“I don’t know. I woke up before I had made up my mind.”
Mildly Depressing Information About WordPress Blogging – Part 2 (The Good Stuff)
“You have to sell your soul at some point if you want to make money,” he says to me. He being my brother, Sam. The reason he said it to me was because I was explaining to him how I was increasing traffic to my (this) blog. Though, to be perfectly clear, the real–the root–reason he said it to me was because we grew up in the bible belt. Anyhow, let’s get to the good stuff–how I gained 1400 followers in 6 weeks’ time.
As a reminder, this all happened last December. December 2014 I was unemployed and living on some savings. I had oodles of time and two books inside me that I needed to get out. Obviously I wanted them to become best sellers and therein give me the means to discover first-hand whether or not the life of leisure was actually for me. Since beginning to blog daily, like a broken record I constantly told my friends and family, “I know the way to get more followers is to be more active in the blogosphere. I can tell that if I just take the time to read more blogs and comment and “follow”, then I’ll get more followers. I just don’t want to spend the time and energy.” I knew this because, like you, I had seen a “like” email and followed the link to the associated blog and often enough liked/commented a post or two and soon made a momentary friend as our two blogs gained a follower.
So while taking a break from writing my first not-best seller, I opened up the WordPress Reader. I was writing a contemporary realism tale of divorce (of course not based on mine, that’d just be silly) so I figured that’s where I’d start. Typing in “divorce” on the left side of the screen, I ended up with a page full of divorce posts. Suffice it to say that after reading a couple of them, I realized this was way too time consuming. How does anyone possibly read a lot of blogs, I asked myself? I think I then decided to just skim the blog posts. But I’m too lazy to skim, so that didn’t work either. Then, I noticed something that I never had before. Right there on the Reader, you can click “like” and “follow”. As in you and I, any WP bloggers, can “like” and “follow” blogs that we haven’t even visited. Understand me? Not just not read, but not visited.
All of a sudden it became clear why I had been getting the like/follow double emails. Knuckleheads were seeing my blog post in their Reader for whatever reason and, like a one-two combination punch, clicking “like” and “follow” from there. Good to know. Next thing I know, I’m mindlessly clicking “like” and “follow” on every blog on the Reader. When I got to the bottom, it’d take a second to load more posts and then I’d continue. But then something hit me. I remembered that I hated getting a pair of like/follow emails. They always felt dirty to me. But what I did like receiving was just a “like” email notification. Hoping to discover you and I were not as unique as we might want to believe, I switched tactics. I just clicked “like” on the Reader on post after post after post.
Here’s where it got interesting. I remember thinking to myself before I hit the limit, “Surely there is a limit to this. I can’t believe their IT guys would let a blogger sit here for hours on end liking posts in an attempt to steer traffic his/her way.” (Please keep in mind I was not working, so I had plenty of time. What’s that saying about the devil and idle hands?) Anyhow, I kept “liking” and scrolling until something goofy happened. The “like” wouldn’t stay orange. It kept bouncing back to blue. Not to be deterred, I actually visited the blog whose post I was attempting to “like”. When I clicked “like” on the actual blog page, it seemed to stick. My icon was added to the group of likers (or often was the first one). But when I refreshed the blog, it hadn’t worked. I had hit some limit WordPress had set after all.
Next, I figured that this was surely a temporary “like” lockout. I do remember panicking a bit. “What?! I can’t like another post? What if I actually do like a post? What have I done!?” I walked away from the laptop for a while. Upon my return, I discovered I could “like” again. So now I figured, “Fuck it. Let’s put them to test.” Long story short, I discovered that I could like 100 posts and then WordPress would lock me out for one hour. As in literally 60 minutes after the 100th “like” I could again “like” another 100 posts.
During all of this, something else began to happen. My own blog stats were going through the roof. On average days before this day, I had 30 views. My all-time high was ninety-three. (I must’ve posted something about sex that day.) With my liking a few hundred posts in a day, I was getting nearly as many views in return. 30 became 300. It felt amazing.
But everything I’ve told you so far is just foreplay. Stick with me.
I then found myself manually “liking” 100 posts (takes about 5-10 minutes to click “like” 100 times, depending on whether any headlines/intros are distracting in a good way) and then putzing around for an hour and then doing it again. And again. And again. All day. Can you imagine this? Living life 60 minutes at a time. “Whoops. I’ll call you back. Gotta get back to it.” Then one day my friend George was over. George is a sharp cookie. He is also a programmer by trade. He is also an extremist in nearly every way and so while he was fixing some paleo-bullshyat meal for himself in the kitchen, I told him I needed a few minutes to do my thing. He sees what I’m doing and says, “Hey. Let me have the laptop for a second.” He said this with a look that excited me and I’m sure I looked silly trying to keep a poker face as I answered, “Sure. Okay. Cool.”
You need to be in your web browser for this next part (not your mobile device). Ready everyone? Follow my next instruction very precisely. I know a lot of you aren’t techy, that’s cool, but I don’t want you to take your computer in because of something you can fix yourself. What I’m going to have you do is the same as pressing Caps Lock. Press it once to turn it on, press it again and it turns off. Get it? Okay. Instead of Caps Lock, find and slowly (like give it a second to bring up a new Matrix-y mumbo-jumbo screen before you press it the second time to take that screen away) press the F12 key two times. With me? Okay. So that little half-screen thing is the way you–you know what? I don’t even get it, so I’m not going to try to explain it to you. Skipping ahead, George wrote a script for me to enter into the bottom field of that screen, the one with the “greater than” (>) sign, that would click “like” on all one hundred posts instantaneously, as long as I had already scrolled down enough to load my Reader with one hundred posts. Drum-roll please…
jQuery(‘a.like:lt(100)’).click()
Just highlight and contol-c that bad boy.
I’m not kidding. I now could wake up, fix the girl-child some breakfast, open the laptop, open the Reader, scroll scroll scroll, and then hit F12, cut-and-paste the script above, hit enter, and voila! 100 poor souls would see the Woodpecker image and swing by the ol’ Captain’s Log, discovering how awesome my writing was in the process. I’d then look at the clock and record the time on my white board. (There’s only so much ice for penguins in the old noggin’, as we used to say in the Air Force.) One hour later and I’d do it again.
As for the results? For 6 weeks I averaged 600 views a day (around 2/3rds of my “likes”. I usually had the stamina for 10 rounds of this or 1000 “likes” a day). I gained around 70 followers a day too. I also felt very, very guilty. Know what it’s like to read, “Thank you so much for stopping by my blog” when you didn’t stop by a blog? I do. It doesn’t feel good. But whatever. I knew my writing was not a waste of someone’s time and I was trying to sell my book. Of course, the book hasn’t sold, so please don’t miss the lesson here.
Anyhow, I know you’ve got other things to do today, but here’s a few more lessons learned. You might be sharp enough to ask, “Are there really 1000 new divorce blog posts an hour?” The answer is “no.” In fact, most categories that I tried did not have 1000 new posts a day. So I had to vary it. Poetry and Writing are the most used categories I found. And as you might imagine, they are also the most grateful. Batman, Movie Reviews, Philosophy, Erotica, Affairs–not so much.
You might also be asking, “What about WordPress? Surely they would notice his extraordinary ability to speed read?” They did. One day I discovered a thin red banner across my blog’s dashboard. I “clicked here” to begin to resolve the problem. Kevin, I think his name was Kevin, told me they noticed I was “liking” a lot of blog posts. He then asked how I determined what to “like”. Only mildly worried about losing all my own blog posts over this little stunt, I followed the age old moniker, “Admit nothing. Deny Everything. Make Immediate Counter-Accusation.” It worked. Though I’m still not sure Kevin is human.
While I didn’t think much of it at the time, these days I think I deserve an award for following this hourly schedule for six weeks.
In sum, I went from 400 followers (gained over a year and a half) to 1800 followers in 6 weeks. Since I’ve stopped my mass-liking (is there anything in life that doesn’t get old?), I am back to gaining the I-assume-you’ve-seen average of one new follower per published post.
Regarding “likes”: Before I ever mass-liked and with 400 followers, I had been getting 10 likes a day. Now I get between 20 and 50 “likes” a post, depending on type of content (keep in mind, this small increase is with 1800 followers).
Other lessons. Sex sells. So do father-daughter posts. My daily “views” when I publish are at about 60, up from 30. Though my recent divorce rant with the “c” word peaked at 194. I credit an early use of the “c” word for the extra attention.
Okay. That’s it. Like I said yesterday, I don’t know why anyone would want to use this information to attempt to better their station in life, but now you have it. I also feel like I understand WordPress as a business a little bit more. They provide a super-user friendly way to have a website and virtual community. But they’re the only ones getting rich quick. Oh well. No big thing.
As a final note, I couldn’t stop writing if I wanted to. And I don’t want to stop. I may not post as much as usual in the coming days/week, but that’s just because I am dealing with some other negative stuff in life and don’t want to keep ranting on here.
On a positive note, my illustrated (by a friend) children’s book proof is arriving next week. So that’ll be the next big thing. It’s great.
Actually, while you’re here, click here to buy my books. Seriously. Buy them! Do it now! That’s an order!
And never forget that the only way to get there is together.
PS – Here’s photographic evidence. The middle bar is the rant day. Yesterday’s views are because I wanted to make sure the script I gave you still worked. I was at 92 views yesterday at 3pm (six hours after publishing, most views come in much earlier than that) before I mass-liked 100 poetry posts. Looks like 157 will be it. Like I said, you can expect a return of 2/3rds the amount of “likes” you do.

Mildly Depressing Information About WordPress Blogging – Part 1
Almost from the day I began this blog I had my suspicions about the integrity of the likes/follows my blog was getting, but last Thanksgiving was definitely the turning point. I’m sure that like many of you, I couldn’t help but notice that my posts often got a “like” plus “follow” by another blogger within moments of publishing my newest post. Blinded by the promise of fortune and fame, I would check out the culprit’s blog and see if I thought they were a discerning reader or a machine. More often than not, I allowed myself to believe they were a discerning reader and that their “like” meant that I had published something valuable.
Then came last Thanksgiving. I had been blogging fairly regularly for about one and a half years, and beginning in early 2014 it seemed that this blog was finally gaining some traction with “readers”. Letting myself succumb to the holiday spirit, I decided to write a post “thanking” all the “likers” that, in part, motivated me to keep writing. Of particular note was one particular blogger. She had tens of thousands of followers (30K+ as of today) and yet was liking my blog posts regularly. It felt so good to see that she was reading and liking my writing. I really wanted to throw some blog-love her way (and others) and so I began my thankful post with her name. Surely she would notice this, I thought. I named some thirteen other bloggers (see the post here) before moving to the names of real people that I knew were reading nearly every post–friends and family.
Guess what happened?
Not a single one of those bloggers “liked” the post.
I mentioned this to my sister and she said, “Maybe they don’t like being called out?” Maybe. But no. It soon became clear that the reason they didn’t like my post was it was Thanksgiving–a holiday. And unlike me, they didn’t get on their laptop that day. They didn’t go to their WordPress Reader and click “like” on some dude’s post in an effort to gain a follower.
Another example of this disingenuous tactic was a blogger that has since disappeared. He jumped from 1200 to 4000+ followers in no time. Yet he took the time to read (so I thought) and “like” my posts day after day after day. But I would never “follow” his blog. I’d “like” some of his posts, but it’s like I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of following his blog, so I didn’t. Finally he wore me down. So I clicked “follow”.
Guess what happened?
You got it. No more “likes” from him.
But it looked so cool that these blogs had thousands and thousands of followers. I wanted my blog to be that cool. It wasn’t. I had been writing for a year and a half. I had published about 300 well-written, engaging, strongly/uniquely-voiced posts and had around 400 followers heading into last December. Remember, I quit my job and was determined to write two books and keep blogging Monday-Friday at this point in time. I also decided while I wasn’t working that I would use the time to gain as many followers as I could by whatever methods were available. (“If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin'” as we said in the Air Force.) Being a doggedly determined guy who still held onto a fool’s hope that blog-followers would eventually become book-buyers, I gained 1400 followers between mid-December and late January (six weeks).
Tomorrow I will share how I did it so that you can too, not that you’ll want to. Tomorrow, I will also demonstrate unequivocally why you should learn to honestly stop caring about likes/follows. Tomorrow, I will unapologetically pull back the WordPress curtain.