The Amazing Temple Of The Holy Spirit

“Man, we knocked this lot out quick!” he thought to himself, looking up after the concluding push of the shovel.  Turning towards his co-worker, Pete caught the tail end of his favorite human activity to witness: unexpected sharp pain–albeit temporary–caused by extreme focus on less important things.  In other words, he just watched his buddy nearly knock himself out as he hit his head on a post that intense shoveling had hidden from sight.

As if physical touch could heal all wounds, Pete kept a constant hand on the man’s shoulder while laughing and asked, “Oh man.  Are you okay?  You really hit that thing hard.”

“Stop laughing man,” the third worker on the project admonished, shaking his head.

“It’s okay,” the injured man said, still not himself.  “It’s not my head, but my cheek.  My mouth was open and I bit my cheek really hard.  Ahh!..shit,” he let out, trying to maintain his man card.

His fingertips still in contact with the wounded man, Pete nearly doubled over with a guffaw that revealed itself to be only the engine of a freight train carrying mankind’s most precious cargo–uncontrollable giggling.

“Jesus Pete!” the third man again chimed in, attempting to add some reasonableness to the situation.

“You don’t…giggle…understand,” Pete managed.  “Watching that happen was like seeing a double rainbow.  I can’t let social graces ruin this moment!  Teehee.  He almost knocked himself out and bit his cheek.  Man…hahaha…I wish I could’ve seen him when his mouth opened.  It was probably all the way.  BwaHAAhahaha!  Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed that when people bite their tongue or cheek their mouths open to the extreme.  It’s like upon chomping down the body screams to the mouth, ‘OPEN!!  Open, open, open!  Disregard any other thoughts; just open to your widest.  Now!  And whatever you do, don’t bite down again until we can fully assess the damage.'”

After he had finished his defense, as one they asked, “What’s wrong with you?”

5 Reasons Why Sylvester Stallone Might Overtake Tom Cruise As Top Actor and 1 Thing TC Can Do To Ensure That Never Happens

1.  Rocky Balboa (Rocky 6)

2.  Rambo (Rambo 4)

3.  The Expendables

4.  The Expendables 2

5.  The Expendables 3  (This time he’s pulled together Antonio Banderas, Wesley Snipes, Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford.  And those are in addition to Arnold, Statham, Li, and Ivan Drago.  Oh, and Kelsey Grammar, too.)

For any of you who haven’t seen “The Expendables” movies, you’re missing out.  Missing out like I thought I was missing out in the late 80s and 90s.  I hated that I couldn’t go see rated R movies.  It seemed like every good movie was rated R and starred Stallone or Schwarzenegger.  When I finally checked those movies out, man was I disappointed.  Then Sly shocks the world with “Rocky Balboa” and “Rambo”, only to top them a few years later with “The Expendables”.  The movies are over the top in every way imaginable.  It’s a formula that can’t lose.  Lose the ego, bring the heart, and have a little fun while you’re at it.

Tom–don’t worry.  You’re still tops in my book.  The easiest way to ensure you never lose the spot is follow Stallone’s lead and give us what we want.  You know what I’m talking about TC.  That’s right.  It’s time for the sequel.  (Cue the Anthem.)

Relapses Were Inevitable

“Relapses were inevitable,” he told himself.  Everyone knew this, and he figured people would understand.  It was only his inner circle that knew he was an addict anyhow.

And as much as he wanted to point a finger at her for causing the relapse, he couldn’t blame her.  He wanted to.  But he wouldn’t.  She just wanted to have fun.  What did she know?

He also wanted to blame work.  Why did they have to give him two days off in a row?  And in the winter?  It’s like they had set him up for failure.

He had been clean for nine years.  Nine years.  Of course he missed it every single one of those days.  Technically, he still was on the wagon.  “Technically.  Ha!” he laughed.  He knew all about technically.  No, he had fallen off the wagon–no “technically” about it.

It did feel amazing though.  The rush.  He could sense his blood flowing throughout his body as if it was reporting constantly that the journey was amazing–all while surrounded by a crowd of people.  Wow.  Naturally, he hid his high from everyone, avoiding any unwanted judgement, though deep down he knew that they all saw a man who was trying to pretend like he wasn’t high.

His primary thought then turned to money.  Like any addiction, his had a price, and an expensive one at that.  “Yep, I know it’s shameful, but I’ll just ask my parents for the money.  Flat out.  No lying this time.  I’m just going to tell them what it’s for and if they love me, they’ll understand and help me,” he reasoned.

“Hello?” said the voice on the other end of the call.

“Mom, it’s me.”

“Are you alright?”

“Sure, yeah.  Well, no.  That’s what I’m calling about,” he said, forcing an undignified voice.

“What is it?  You know I hate when you call like this.”

“You know how I took H-, your granddaughter who misses you very much, to the mountains yesterday to go tubing?  Well, I saw people skiing and I couldn’t control myself.  I need money to ski.  The season’s nearly a quarter over, so it shouldn’t be too much, and of course you and dad are invited to come out and ski with me any time you want as well.  Ballpark figure, I think that only $2000 should cover me, equipment and all.”

He waited.

“Mom?  You there?” he asked, looking at the screen only to see the call had ended.  “I can’t believe she hung up.  She never did love me.  I guess I should’ve seen this coming.  I don’t know why I punish myself.  I should have just called the ol’ softy first anyhow.  Besides being a true believer, everyone knows the man can’t say no to anyone.”

“Dad.  Father.  How’s it going?  Are the Cubs still looking strong next season?  Say, I’ve got this favor to ask…”

Why A Log?

Happy New Years.  I updated the blog to include a new page explaining Captain’s Log’s intent a bit more.  Essentially, I derive untold amounts of pleasure from writing.  But there’s more to it than just that.  Below is what you’ll read if you were to click on the “Why A Log” button.

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In The Autobiography of Mark Twain, Twain quotes John Hay regarding the imperative to write an autobiography.  Hays says,

And he will tell the truth in spite of himself, for his facts and his fictions will work loyally together for the protection of the reader: each fact and each fiction will be a dab of paint, each will fall in its right place, and together they will paint his portrait; not the portrait he thinks they are painting, but his real portrait, the inside of him, the soul of him, his character (223).

Aircrews recognize that an aircraft doesn’t crash in compartments.  Free time in Iraq allowed me to see that flying is a tremendous–I’d say flawless–metaphor for life.  (You can check out the metaphor in the beginning of this post.)  In short, in life, as with flying, the only way we get where we want to go–the future–is with each other.

By following Captain’s Log, you’ll receive posts that take less than 2-minutes to read Monday through Friday.  They might be creative writings, satirical news stories, “How To” guides, letters I wish I wrote, humorous pieces, book/movie reviews or other types which are more difficult to classify.  The intent of all the posts is to reveal life.

Like Hay said above, the most important thing you’ll find, if you look closely, is me.  And in finding me, you might just find you.

The only way to get there is together.

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Twain, Mark, Harriet Elinor Smith, and Benjamin Griffin. Autobiography of Mark Twain. Vol. 1. Berkeley: University of California, 2010. Print.

Mars One Rejection Letter (well, email…technically)

If you’re on your computer, it’s best to set the tone with a little mood music:  open in new tab.

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Dear Mars One applicant,

Did you know US astronaut Clayton Anderson was rejected by NASA for its astronaut training program 15 times, yet in 2007 he boarded the Space Shuttle Atlantis for a trip to the International Space Station. He proved anything can happen and no door is ever completely closed.

You, and just over 200,000 other aspiring astronauts around the world, took a bold step in applying to be one of our first heroes to leave Earth permanently for a new life on another planet. We cannot thank you enough for your daring effort.

At this time, we’ve made the decision to reduce our applicant pool down to just over 1000 and your application has been declined. Let’s talk about what that means.

This is not the end of your dream.  We will be reopening the application process for you at a date to be determined in 2014. We want you to seriously consider re-applying. Each and every applicant, including yourself, who was not chosen in in this initial round, will have many other chances to re-enter the selection pool and try again. Don’t give up.

If you’re wondering why you’re applicant was put on hold, please review the selection criteria here. This is the criteria we used when considering your application.

Our goals are the same – human life on Mars and advancing humankind’s evolution as a multiplanetary species. Let’s continue our mission together!

Regards,

Mars One Selection Committee

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What do you say?  Should I keep applying?  I say…Yes!

Random Thoughts

A man doing manual labor with a hand towel draped over his shoulder is the hardest worker in the company, and I cannot be convinced otherwise.

The thought of running a microwave for more than seven minutes at a time terrifies me more than anything. I have no idea why.

If the people I see that are wealthy are what you have to be like to become wealthy, I don’t want any part of it.

People seem to be unclear on the point of bumper stickers.  Bumper stickers should tell us something we don’t already know about you.  Two groups seem especially unclear on this.  First, hybrid owners:  you don’t need to put a sticker on your car that says anything about being pro-green–we get it.  Second, African-Americans:  pro-Obama stickers?  Is it to shame the remaining 7% of you who didn’t vote for him?

Studies and experience seem to reveal that the more educated people become, the less children they have.  Of all human behaviors worth researching with the intent of reversing its course, this one needs the most attention soonest.

Challenge!!

On this the 27th day of December, in the year 2013, I hereby challenge anyone worthy enough to accept.  The object: spend money faster than me.  That’s right.  All you have to do is demonstrate to me that you can keep money in your possession for less time than me, and you win.

Think this sounds easy?  Think again.  I’ve been known to release dollars back into the wild faster than teens develop excuses.

Oh, and let’s not forget spending money before I even have it.  Consider the upcoming tax refund?  Yep, already spent.

So what do you say?  Think you have what it takes?

I know some of you have the competitive spirit.  If you’re worried about losing, don’t be.  This is the only competition where the loser also wins.  I know, I know.  You’re nervous.  Why?  I’ve seen how you spend.  You may be able to beat me.  There’s only one way to find out.

Good Thing No One Else Was Listening

“Merry Christmas,” he said, walking into her room.

“Daddy,” she began, “you know what?  I heard Santa last night.”

“I did, too,” he confirmed.  “Let’s go see if he brought any presents.”

She led the way to the tree and let out a giggle before she reported her findings.

“I wanna open this one,” she said, pointing to the biggest present.

“Actually, it’s better if we start with the gifts from relatives.  Then you can open the gifts from Santa.  Is that a deal?” he offered.

“Deal,” she agreed.

“Okay then.  Let’s start with Uncle Sam’s gift.  What do you think he gave you?” he asked.

She struggled with the bow until, at last, it relented, at which point she lifted the heavier than expected box.  She sensed a liquid inside, and like any American child, guessed with more excitement than adults have the capacity to fake, “Is it…wah-der?!”

“Yes child, it’s water.  The one thing in life you’ll never be without due to your ‘kul-cherr and hair-i-tij’.  Sam waited all year to surprise you with this once in a lifetime gift,” he laughed to himself, head shaking.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “why don’t you open it and find out?”

Peter Jackson Finally Comes Clean: Owns Boar’s Head Meat Company

This holiday season might be the last for Boar’s Head.  For over 100 years Boar’s Head has provided the finest quality meats and cheeses to local grocers, though most shoppers complain the product line is over-priced.  Thanks to the work of one attentive meat-eating movie lover, who spoke on condition of anonymity, it appears something is amiss.

It is now clear that Boar’s Head’s recent growth, beginning in the early 2000s, is all due to a deliberate marketing campaign involving one of Hollywood’s most awarded directors.  Oddly enough, Peter Jackson released the first of his hugely successful Lord of the Rings trilogy in 2001.  At first, it only seemed strange to Jonathan*, but in 2002 he could not longer deny the coincidences.   What really caught his attention was when, in 2002, the prices of Boar’s Head jumped over a dollar a pound, for all products.  Jonathan refused to believe the company when they told him it was simple economics, and instead began to do a little digging on his own.

It turns out that Peter Jackson is a carnivore.  He only eats animal products–no plants.  He just won’t touch the stuff.  And Jonathan discovered that in the late ’90s, Jackson began using his growing wealth to promote carnivorism as a counter to the growing vegetarian/vegan trends.  That’s also when he first was pitched on Lord of the Rings.  Like any decent Hollywood personality, he couldn’t avoid including his own personal agenda in his art.  Jonathan picked up the trail as he watched The Two Towers in 2002, and heard an Uruk-hai announce, “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

With Jackson’s films gracing the theaters again this winter, Jonathan finally gathered enough evidence to merit Jackson’s attention.  Public pressure mounting, yesterday, Jackson tweeted a response:

“It’s true.  I purchased Boar’s Head in 1998, and proceeded to craft the LOTR films in a way that made meat look normal and right to eat.”

Other than the fact that the Boar’s Head name and logo completely influenced the costumes and makeup of the LOTR films, it appears that nothing unethical has taken place in the company.  We do wonder, however, how many other choices we’re making have been influenced by the Hollywood elite.

Idiotic Embarassing Weakness

“I’m David,” the guy said, extending his hand.

“Pete.”

His handshake was firm, and while the whole situation caught him by surprise, he was glad it was over.  He had always wondered what it would be like to meet the ex’s boyfriend.  No big thing.  In a way he was almost glad to see that she’d latched on to someone else.  Maybe there’d be a day when he’d finally be done paying her way.

The next time he saw the two of them, Pete noticed nicely wrapped presents under a well-placed Christmas tree.  Seemed like a lot considering Santa hadn’t come yet.

“Whatever,” he thought, brushing off any emotions.

Perhaps it was the monotonous sound of the shovel against the concrete, but a curious thought formed.  Standing still, the shovel parallel to the ground, he thought, “Wasn’t her long-lost love named David?”  Thinking back to the news video she showed him of this David on the computer screen in his parent’s basement years ago, he instantly flew into a rage.  “You gotta be shitting me.  No way.  I can’t believe it.  She’s back with the guy that didn’t take her with the first time around.  What the fuck?

“Why would she ever marry another man and have a child with him if all this time she just wanted this other guy?  Holy hell.  I have never felt so used in my entire life.  It’s like I’m slowly becoming white-trash because I met one person,” he thought, as a feeling of madness encroached.

“I can’t wonder on this one; I have to know for sure.”

He pulled his glove off, and took his phone out of his pocket.  Looking around to make sure no one saw him texting-while-shoveling, he shot her a quick inquiring text, “Is that David the ol’ PJ, love of your life David?”

Trying to calm himself through work, he found snow-removal’s singularity only accelerated his passions.

“It all makes sense.  She didn’t work a day during the marriage.  And from what I remember this guy is not one to want for money.  Here I am essentially working two jobs to pay her off and stay out of debt that should have never accrued, and she’s living the high-life with an old fling.  Are they living together?  She better not be planning to do something stupid like move out of Denver.  There are things I can take, and things I can’t.  I’m not fighting a woman for my child because she’s a gold-digging, lazy, negative louse.  Her and her folks.  The whole clingy, enabling lot of them can join in a chorus of ‘blood’s thicker ‘n mud’–I’ll stick with right action.

“Surely she’s responded by now.”  He checked his phone.  “Nope.  Why not?  I know they’re awake.  The little girl can’t sleep past 7:30 for anything.  I should’ve seen this coming.  I’d always heard about women, and yet I thought I was smarter than other men.  So much for that.  Should’ve never spent a day with that girl.  My God, what have I done?  It’s like crazy Charlie Sheen said, ‘You don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave.’  Isn’t that turning out to be the truth?”

He anxiously checked his phone again.

“At last a text!” he muttered.  It was just the library letting him know the book he ordered had arrived.

“Come on woman.”

Now inside, his warming fingers checked the device again.  Finally she responded.  Her text was beautiful for its simplicity: “No.”

“Perhaps she’s not entirely an evil succubus,” he thought, his relief more acute than his shame.