Category: Creative Writing

Relapses Were Inevitable

“Relapses were inevitable,” he told himself.  Everyone knew this, and he figured people would understand.  It was only his inner circle that knew he was an addict anyhow.

And as much as he wanted to point a finger at her for causing the relapse, he couldn’t blame her.  He wanted to.  But he wouldn’t.  She just wanted to have fun.  What did she know?

He also wanted to blame work.  Why did they have to give him two days off in a row?  And in the winter?  It’s like they had set him up for failure.

He had been clean for nine years.  Nine years.  Of course he missed it every single one of those days.  Technically, he still was on the wagon.  “Technically.  Ha!” he laughed.  He knew all about technically.  No, he had fallen off the wagon–no “technically” about it.

It did feel amazing though.  The rush.  He could sense his blood flowing throughout his body as if it was reporting constantly that the journey was amazing–all while surrounded by a crowd of people.  Wow.  Naturally, he hid his high from everyone, avoiding any unwanted judgement, though deep down he knew that they all saw a man who was trying to pretend like he wasn’t high.

His primary thought then turned to money.  Like any addiction, his had a price, and an expensive one at that.  “Yep, I know it’s shameful, but I’ll just ask my parents for the money.  Flat out.  No lying this time.  I’m just going to tell them what it’s for and if they love me, they’ll understand and help me,” he reasoned.

“Hello?” said the voice on the other end of the call.

“Mom, it’s me.”

“Are you alright?”

“Sure, yeah.  Well, no.  That’s what I’m calling about,” he said, forcing an undignified voice.

“What is it?  You know I hate when you call like this.”

“You know how I took H-, your granddaughter who misses you very much, to the mountains yesterday to go tubing?  Well, I saw people skiing and I couldn’t control myself.  I need money to ski.  The season’s nearly a quarter over, so it shouldn’t be too much, and of course you and dad are invited to come out and ski with me any time you want as well.  Ballpark figure, I think that only $2000 should cover me, equipment and all.”

He waited.

“Mom?  You there?” he asked, looking at the screen only to see the call had ended.  “I can’t believe she hung up.  She never did love me.  I guess I should’ve seen this coming.  I don’t know why I punish myself.  I should have just called the ol’ softy first anyhow.  Besides being a true believer, everyone knows the man can’t say no to anyone.”

“Dad.  Father.  How’s it going?  Are the Cubs still looking strong next season?  Say, I’ve got this favor to ask…”

Challenge!!

On this the 27th day of December, in the year 2013, I hereby challenge anyone worthy enough to accept.  The object: spend money faster than me.  That’s right.  All you have to do is demonstrate to me that you can keep money in your possession for less time than me, and you win.

Think this sounds easy?  Think again.  I’ve been known to release dollars back into the wild faster than teens develop excuses.

Oh, and let’s not forget spending money before I even have it.  Consider the upcoming tax refund?  Yep, already spent.

So what do you say?  Think you have what it takes?

I know some of you have the competitive spirit.  If you’re worried about losing, don’t be.  This is the only competition where the loser also wins.  I know, I know.  You’re nervous.  Why?  I’ve seen how you spend.  You may be able to beat me.  There’s only one way to find out.

Good Thing No One Else Was Listening

“Merry Christmas,” he said, walking into her room.

“Daddy,” she began, “you know what?  I heard Santa last night.”

“I did, too,” he confirmed.  “Let’s go see if he brought any presents.”

She led the way to the tree and let out a giggle before she reported her findings.

“I wanna open this one,” she said, pointing to the biggest present.

“Actually, it’s better if we start with the gifts from relatives.  Then you can open the gifts from Santa.  Is that a deal?” he offered.

“Deal,” she agreed.

“Okay then.  Let’s start with Uncle Sam’s gift.  What do you think he gave you?” he asked.

She struggled with the bow until, at last, it relented, at which point she lifted the heavier than expected box.  She sensed a liquid inside, and like any American child, guessed with more excitement than adults have the capacity to fake, “Is it…wah-der?!”

“Yes child, it’s water.  The one thing in life you’ll never be without due to your ‘kul-cherr and hair-i-tij’.  Sam waited all year to surprise you with this once in a lifetime gift,” he laughed to himself, head shaking.

“I don’t know,” he answered, “why don’t you open it and find out?”

Peter Jackson Finally Comes Clean: Owns Boar’s Head Meat Company

This holiday season might be the last for Boar’s Head.  For over 100 years Boar’s Head has provided the finest quality meats and cheeses to local grocers, though most shoppers complain the product line is over-priced.  Thanks to the work of one attentive meat-eating movie lover, who spoke on condition of anonymity, it appears something is amiss.

It is now clear that Boar’s Head’s recent growth, beginning in the early 2000s, is all due to a deliberate marketing campaign involving one of Hollywood’s most awarded directors.  Oddly enough, Peter Jackson released the first of his hugely successful Lord of the Rings trilogy in 2001.  At first, it only seemed strange to Jonathan*, but in 2002 he could not longer deny the coincidences.   What really caught his attention was when, in 2002, the prices of Boar’s Head jumped over a dollar a pound, for all products.  Jonathan refused to believe the company when they told him it was simple economics, and instead began to do a little digging on his own.

It turns out that Peter Jackson is a carnivore.  He only eats animal products–no plants.  He just won’t touch the stuff.  And Jonathan discovered that in the late ’90s, Jackson began using his growing wealth to promote carnivorism as a counter to the growing vegetarian/vegan trends.  That’s also when he first was pitched on Lord of the Rings.  Like any decent Hollywood personality, he couldn’t avoid including his own personal agenda in his art.  Jonathan picked up the trail as he watched The Two Towers in 2002, and heard an Uruk-hai announce, “Looks like meat’s back on the menu, boys!”

With Jackson’s films gracing the theaters again this winter, Jonathan finally gathered enough evidence to merit Jackson’s attention.  Public pressure mounting, yesterday, Jackson tweeted a response:

“It’s true.  I purchased Boar’s Head in 1998, and proceeded to craft the LOTR films in a way that made meat look normal and right to eat.”

Other than the fact that the Boar’s Head name and logo completely influenced the costumes and makeup of the LOTR films, it appears that nothing unethical has taken place in the company.  We do wonder, however, how many other choices we’re making have been influenced by the Hollywood elite.

Idiotic Embarassing Weakness

“I’m David,” the guy said, extending his hand.

“Pete.”

His handshake was firm, and while the whole situation caught him by surprise, he was glad it was over.  He had always wondered what it would be like to meet the ex’s boyfriend.  No big thing.  In a way he was almost glad to see that she’d latched on to someone else.  Maybe there’d be a day when he’d finally be done paying her way.

The next time he saw the two of them, Pete noticed nicely wrapped presents under a well-placed Christmas tree.  Seemed like a lot considering Santa hadn’t come yet.

“Whatever,” he thought, brushing off any emotions.

Perhaps it was the monotonous sound of the shovel against the concrete, but a curious thought formed.  Standing still, the shovel parallel to the ground, he thought, “Wasn’t her long-lost love named David?”  Thinking back to the news video she showed him of this David on the computer screen in his parent’s basement years ago, he instantly flew into a rage.  “You gotta be shitting me.  No way.  I can’t believe it.  She’s back with the guy that didn’t take her with the first time around.  What the fuck?

“Why would she ever marry another man and have a child with him if all this time she just wanted this other guy?  Holy hell.  I have never felt so used in my entire life.  It’s like I’m slowly becoming white-trash because I met one person,” he thought, as a feeling of madness encroached.

“I can’t wonder on this one; I have to know for sure.”

He pulled his glove off, and took his phone out of his pocket.  Looking around to make sure no one saw him texting-while-shoveling, he shot her a quick inquiring text, “Is that David the ol’ PJ, love of your life David?”

Trying to calm himself through work, he found snow-removal’s singularity only accelerated his passions.

“It all makes sense.  She didn’t work a day during the marriage.  And from what I remember this guy is not one to want for money.  Here I am essentially working two jobs to pay her off and stay out of debt that should have never accrued, and she’s living the high-life with an old fling.  Are they living together?  She better not be planning to do something stupid like move out of Denver.  There are things I can take, and things I can’t.  I’m not fighting a woman for my child because she’s a gold-digging, lazy, negative louse.  Her and her folks.  The whole clingy, enabling lot of them can join in a chorus of ‘blood’s thicker ‘n mud’–I’ll stick with right action.

“Surely she’s responded by now.”  He checked his phone.  “Nope.  Why not?  I know they’re awake.  The little girl can’t sleep past 7:30 for anything.  I should’ve seen this coming.  I’d always heard about women, and yet I thought I was smarter than other men.  So much for that.  Should’ve never spent a day with that girl.  My God, what have I done?  It’s like crazy Charlie Sheen said, ‘You don’t pay a prostitute for sex, you pay her to leave.’  Isn’t that turning out to be the truth?”

He anxiously checked his phone again.

“At last a text!” he muttered.  It was just the library letting him know the book he ordered had arrived.

“Come on woman.”

Now inside, his warming fingers checked the device again.  Finally she responded.  Her text was beautiful for its simplicity: “No.”

“Perhaps she’s not entirely an evil succubus,” he thought, his relief more acute than his shame.

Relief

And with that they were out the door.

As usual, she ran to the car, and verbalized her victory upon touching the driver’s side passenger door–her door.  He simply shook his head and said, “Yep.  Looks like you beat me again.”  He opened his door, placed everything in the car and started it.  Then he opened her door and put her in her car seat.

Getting back into the driver’s seat, he backed the car out of the garage.  Next, he put the car in park and got out.  The recent week of sub-freezing temperatures took their toll on the garage door opener, so he was forced to use more than just his finger muscles to open and close the garage.  In a jiff, he was back in the car and they were on their way.

At the daycare, he grabbed her nap stuff from the front seat and told her she could start unbuckling and get out.  Like always, she seemed to not hear this command, and he was at her door before she could comply.  She happily dropped down to the cement, and reminded him about the dangers of walking on ice.

Leaving her with the teacher, he walked out of the building briskly.  He had time, but never liked the feeling of being rushed.  There was something rewarding about getting to work early enough to be able to sit in the car for a moment before going in.

He pulled into the parking garage, and turned off the car.  Reaching for his lunch, he nearly jumped.

“MOTHER EFFER!” he shouted.  “GOD DANG IT!  I know I grabbed it this morning.”

His mind raced to figure out what he would eat for lunch now that he had discovered he left his on the counter.

Walking past the passenger door, his peripheral vision picked up on a grocery sack which looked awfully similar to the ones he packed his lunches in.  Turning for confirmation, a shudder of relief almost knocked him off his feet.

“I knew I didn’t forget it,” he said, impressed at his ability to believe a lie.

After A Hard Days Work

Opening the door, he simultaneously managed to drop into the seat, press the brake, insert the key into the ignition, and start the engine.  “Finally,” he thought, “I’m outta here.”  He turned up the Christmas music and began his drive to pick up some dinner.

He made believe that he hadn’t decided where to go, and ran down the list of options–mostly fast food.  He knew, though, that he was only craving one thing.  His own version of crack-cocaine.  Or at least his own version of crack’s most common feature that the planet’s comedians can’t stop talking about.

Turning into the familiar parking lot, he avoided the enormous dip that surrounded the manhole cover.  He got out of the car and noticed there were a couple people waiting in line as he pulled open the door to the restaurant.

He overheard the entire conversation between the current customer and the cashier.  It was shocking.  The lady had ordered a pizza other than pepperoni or cheese.  “Wow!” he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.  The rarity of the moment caused the cashier to take a moment to place the order during which he noticed three more customers pile in behind him.  For a restaurant bent on having its food hot and ready the growing line created a palpable angst.  Finally, one lady near the end of the line couldn’t take it any longer and broke the awkward silence.  Gripping her cigarette pack with the familiar three-finger cradle, she nervously packed the tobacco against her left hand with the recognizable staccato “thwack! thwack! thwack!” and said, “Man!  This place is hoppin’ t’night!”  The others rewarded her benevolence with wide-eyed nods and exhaling.

He smiled.  Then he wondered if they knew how much he loved them.

I Love You

From Warrior:  “I’m sorry Tommy!  I’m sorry… Tap out Tom!  It’s OK! It’s OK!  I Love You!  I Love You Tommy!”

From Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves:  “I have a brother?  I have a brother!”

From Tommy Boy:  “Brothers don’t shake hands.  Brothers hug!”

From Lion King:  “Scar!  Brother!”

From Brother Bear:  Hell–the whole thing.

From Dances with Wolves:  “Do you see that I am your friend?  Can you see that you will always be my friend?”

From Rocky 5:  “Home team.”

Seems like there’s been more trying than doing between us.  I wish this wasn’t the case.  I guess that’s what we get for being so similar.

I’ll tell you what I know.  The summer before I left was probably the best summer.  You forsook your friends for me.  I’ll never forget it.  24oz Code Red’s.  Either Hot’n’Ready or Pizza Maker pizzas.  And enormous bowls of ice cream.  Every night.

There’s something in me (I think most people call it “asshole”) that wants to forever be your guide through this world.  I do apologize for that.  When I think how old you are now, I am kinda stunned.  The good news is the old people I like have shown me there is plenty of time.  Maybe we’ll get to our Tombstone yet.  (“Virgil!  Morgan!”)

I’m really at a loss here.

You’ve always meant the world to me.  Watching you “come into your own” these last couple years has been nice.

Happy Birthday.

Christmas Cookies

Then in the morning, the two of them began their weekend day as usual.

She pleaded “Daaaddy” while prone and unmoving.  He went to collect her.  As it was the weekend, he convinced her it was to be a lazy day, so more sleep was necessary and allowable.  Now in his bed, she seemed to try to sleep.  That lasted all of three minutes.  After thirty minutes of unsuccessful attempts to quell her, he finally agreed to wake up.

“You forgot my chair,” she reminded him, standing and pointing to the table and chairs.

“That’s right I did,” he groggily responded.  “How can you help me make chocolate chip pancakes if you don’t have your chair?”

“I want cocoa puffs,” she confessed.

“Really?  That’s too bad.  I want chocolate chip pancakes, so that’s what we’re having.  It’s going to be a rough life kiddo.”

****

“What kind of cookies are we making?” she wanted to know.

“You’re not going to know them by name, but they’re called peanut butter blossoms.  They’re special Christmas cookies.”

“Christmas cookies?”

“Yep.”

“Can I pour it?  Can I pour it?  Can I pour it?”

“Sure.  Be careful, it’s heavy.”

“What’s that daddy?”

“It’s peanut butter.”

“You’re putting peanut butter with the muh-muh-margarine?” she asked, inquisitively seeking proper pronunciation affirmation.

“Yep, that’s what the recipe says to do.”

“Can I stir?”

“Uh, your bowl just has flower.  But sure.  Go ahead.”

“Look daddy, I’m stirring.”

“Yep, you’re doing a great job.”

“Why are you stirring so fast daddy?”

“Because-”

“Watch me stir fast!”

“Whoa, slow down.  Try to keep the ingredients inside the bowl.  You didn’t make the mess because you stirred fast, it’s that you didn’t watch what you were doing when you stirred fast.  When I stir fast, I’m always watching the bowl.  Understand?”

“Like this daddy?” she asked, beginning to speed up while looking him directly in the eye, again seeking approval.

“No silly, you’re still not looking at the bowl.”

“Why are you stirring so fast daddy?”

Luckily, for him, the war had acted as a preparation of sorts for relentless interrogations such as these.

“Just keep stirring your bowl H-.”

The Father of Second Base?

For all the information, misinformation, and controversy surrounding the origin of the game of baseball, one piece of trivia is rarely mentioned.  Whether Abner Doubleday or Alexander Cartwright should be credited as the father of America’s pastime, it seems to me that the more pressing question–the question that nobody is asking–is, “Where would the game of baseball be without second base?”

What you have to understand is baseball began as a competition, similar to cricket, which involved balls and bats and home plate and base.  Initially, there were not four bases, mind you, just one.  The player would hit the ball and run back and forth between two points in space–home plate and base.  What most people don’t bother wondering about is how home plate and this single base (just called ‘base’ as there wasn’t, at that time, another base which necessitated the distinctions “first” and “second”) multiplied into the modern baseball diamond comprised of home plate, first base, second base and third base.

As you are no doubt realizing, the addition of a second base was no trivial matter.  Without adding a second base, there would have never been a reason to add a third base, and without third base, there is no baseball diamond.  So, we must ask how second base came to be.  More to the point, we should want to know who to credit for the addition of a second base.  As fate would have it, it was none other than than “father of American music” himself–Stephen Foster.

Having recently penned such classics as “Oh, Susanna” and “Camptown Races”, Foster was a veritable celebrity.  He was the man of the hour in the mid-1800s.  And he happened to be a bit of a sports nut.  No one knows for certain how it happened, but after some light reflection it should be no surprise to anyone that Foster, who became known for writing songs with special emphasis on the refrain, was the man who suggested adding another base to the playing field.  After all, it was the addition of second base that gave baseball what some might call musicality.

Think about it.  A game where men simply run back and forth between two designated spots offers no real distinguishing excitement, no real flow.  But, as we all know and love, if a player makes it to second base on the diamond of today, he is in “scoring” position.  Reaching scoring position, then, is similar to the unique characteristic of Foster’s own music.  That being, the emphasis on the refrain.  As a verse of Foster’s music concludes, everyone knows the refrain is coming, and still everyone can’t wait for it to happen.  Regardless the amount of listeners singing the verses, everyone in earshot contributes their own voice to “Oh, Susanna, oh don’t you cry for me!”  Is it not the same when the runner reaches second base?  Maybe the inning is dragging on, maybe it seems all hope is lost, maybe you are lost in thought trying to remember when they stop serving beer–it doesn’t matter.  The minute the runner makes it to second, he might score a run.  And if he does, his crossing home plate triggers another batter and extends the offensive strike; in other words, it acts as a refrain.  Is there anyone who would attempt to argue that there is any quantifiable difference between crowds cheering upon their team scoring a run and crowds singing “Oh, Susanna, oh don’t you cry for me.  Well I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee”?

I don’t know why I feel its important to bring this to your attention.  Not forgetting the little man is just in my nature.  Blame my dad.  The point is, next time you’re feeling a profound love of the game, toss some of it to Stephen Foster; for who knows where America’s pastime would be if it wasn’t for the “father of American music.”

****

Happy Birthday Dad.  Thanks for the memories.