Tagged: eating

Happy Birthday Sam


I started this in my head about fifteen times and always discard it because it is too much about me. How to proceed, then?

I shut you down big time earlier this year, as you know. Believe me when I say (again) how embarrassed I am for that.

I can’t promise that I’ll believe this tomorrow, but special for today let me say that I think your life has proven that despite your being the younger brother, you lead the way in exemplifying the best qualities a man can possess, especially when measured against a certain “know-it-all who can’t keep his trap shut.” See? What is the problem?

I’m proud of you. I love you. The last two visits have been very nice. H- seems very nice. Hold her like a butterfly.

Happy Birthday.


PS – I’m so excited for the speech come April. You are not going to regret your decision. (You should be nervous enough to consider if maybe you should pick someone else, but not so nervous that you do more than consider it. Part of the reason I’m struggling now is I can’t say a lot that I’m saving for that more appropriate setting.)

PPS – I need the next month to go by slow; the fast-approaching trip to Copper is having the opposite effect, no thanks to you.



But what is it?

Not just bread and cheese and sauce, no.  This meal fit for God himself is so much more.

It is the sound of the loveliest doorbell.  It is the acceptable apology for the mealtime “oops!”  It is the welcoming party when the vacation ends.

It is the taste of summertime birthdays.  It is the texture of picking which movie to watch first.  It is the height of soda can towers.

It is the singing clock’s twelve chimes reminding all that Friday is gone.   It is the placing of a small hand into a big one.  It is the compromise between parents and children.

It is soda’s groom.

It is breakfast.  It is lunch.  It is dinner.  It is the substance of every moment in between.

It is nourishment.  And as nourishment, it is life itself.

Is it worthy of worship, this pizza?

Yes.  An unapologetic, unabashed, unable to understand yes.

How To Avoid Capture (despite being an extremely eligible bachelor)

(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)

“So, guess what I just got?”

“I don’t know.  What?”

“Tailored shirts.  They’re great.  Gone are the yards of fabric that hide my svelte figure.”

“Yeah, I actually heard the radio talk about how women like men who wear tailored clothes the other day.  Though, I have to say it seems out of character that you’d do something like that.  Did you have them done at the store?  When did you even go shopping?”

“Oh, I didn’t get them done.  My friend was going to throw some away, so I said I’d take them.”

“So, they’re not tailored…to you?”

Instructions for How To Stay Single

Step 1 — CROSSFIT for life.

Step 2 — WALK through Costco like a kid in a candy store.

Step 3 —  ABSTAIN from soap.

Step 4 — TELL everyone you know about Steps 1- 3.

Juxtaposing Pejorative Conventions

Sitting in class, he found himself amazed how the successful application of the words juxtapose, pejorative and convention made it abundantly clear these people were serious scholars.  Try as he might, over the course of a lifetime he never would discover non-academics offering such tidbits of wisdom as, “Ghetto simply meant neighborhood.  It only became pejorative in the 20th century.”  Or, “I was just thinking about the ridiculous modern conventions which require us to see differences where there aren’t any.”  Or, “More than simply two women having coffee together, the author juxtaposes timeless love with unsustainable passions of the flesh.”

These scholars, in their own right, were a group deserving marvel.  They believed they would boldly lead humanity to the Utopian future that always sits ripe for the picking, if people would only reach for it.

Returning from a brief break, he happened upon a group of these beings that had surrounded his chair with the never-ending favorite discussion topic of Americans–diet.  Quelling his nausea, he sat down and calmed himself with the reminder that the subject usually provided uncommonly hilarious statements, most often centering around rationalizing some form of a stunning lack of discipline.  These intellectuals didn’t disappoint.  Below is a record of the dialogue.

“Yeah, I tried doin’ the whole cook-everything-for-the-week-on-Sunday-to-try-to-eat-healthy-during-the-week thing.  It just didn’t work.  I ended up wasting a lot of the food.”

“Me too.  I always start the week off strong, but by Wednesday I get bored with the food.”

“I agree.  What I didn’t like was having to thaw things.”


More proof that the saying was true–“If it isn’t one thing, it’s another.”