Tagged: linkedin

They Earn More Than You And They Don’t Even Know What LinkedIn Is

The restaurant doors might as well have been ripped off the hinges if they were pulled open at all.  The culprits were four men who had just finished a long day of hard work.  They were hungry and ready to sit down.  One of them, the newbie, knew he was under the microscope.  The other three would be watching his every move.  They would be silently analyzing his table manners, how he addressed the server, what meal he chose, and most importantly what beverage.  Beyond the age of caring about such things, our man was just looking to make people laugh.  The workday was over; everyone still had all their fingers and toes.  He couldn’t help but want to promote a light mood.

Asking the server to keep the chips and salsa coming, he sarcastically inquired of the men, “So, hey.  On your LinkedIn profiles, do you put your position or just ‘roughneck’?”

The driller, one might say leader of the bunch, had the most steely, unflinching eye-contact one could imagine, and after letting it linger long enough to determine the question was not rhetorical, he asked, “What?”

“You know.  On your LinkedIn profile.  Do you put ‘driller’ or the more generic ‘roughneck’?” the newbie pressed, unwilling to lose the staring contest.

“Linked-what?”

“No way.  What about you two?  It’s not surprising that this neanderthal doesn’t keep his LinkedIn profile updated, but surely you two do,” he continued, purposefully.

“Pete, what are you saying?  Linked…in?”

“Oh my god,” Pete said, unable to not connect the dots.  With an unabashed enthusiasm, he continued, “On top of you guys doing the most impressive work I’ve ever seen, you’re now going to tell me that you don’t even know what LinkedIn is?”  He almost let the “L” word slip out, but the men’s unrelenting eye contact allowed his rational side to win that battle quickly.  “And that’s why I like you guys so much.  You don’t even know what LinkedIn is.  You’re so pure and good.  LinkedIn is like facebook for people with office jobs.  It’s ridiculous.  And you just helped prove my theory.  I only use it to publish my blog posts in the hopes of getting someone to read what I write.  But I’d rather have never heard of it–like you guys.  Nice work.”

“You done?  The server’s waiting on you to order.”

“Oh.  Apologies.  I’ll do the chimichanga.”

“And to drink?”

“Do you have root beer?”

LinkedIn All-Stars Discover Bosses Furious

Earlier this year LinkedIn celebrated its tenth anniversary.  With ten years under its belt, the Silicon Valley tech giant has finally fallen prey to researchers.  The findings aren’t pretty.  Among a newly released 500-page report there are some notable discoveries:

  • 63% of LinkedIn Users report spending time each day to see if the infinite scroll really is infinite.
    • Of those users, 25% admit feeling “genuinely disappointed” when, upon reaching the end, they read “There are no more updates at this time” instead of congratulations for beating the game.
  • 84% of Users have achieved All-Star Profile Strength.
    • Of those Users, 100% believe they are more likely to receive a promotion within the next 6 months because of it.
      • Of those Users, zero worked in companies whose promotion decisions factored in their employee’s LinkedIn Profile Strength.

And most damning,

  • After not having the heart to crush their employee’s hopes and dreams and tell them, “No, browsing LinkedIn is not what I’m paying you to do,” 100% of Bosses spend at least 10-minutes wishing for the “good ol’ days” when employees earned their pay.

Finally, the researchers noted first, that despite these findings, employees generally felt that they were more productive because of LinkedIn and second, that more research should be done to validate their findings.

An Apology to LinkedIn Connections

Dear LinkedIn Connections,

I wouldn’t have “Liked” me either.  Hurt doesn’t begin to describe how I felt every passing day, every passing week.  My fervent efforts appeared to fall short in the eyes of even my first degree connections.  Molded by your advice, there I was pursuing my passion.  And even those sage connections didn’t “Like” my work.  Few canyons reach the depth to which my professional depression dove.

“Joy!  Bright spark of divinity!”  In a moment that can only be described by Beethoven’s Ninth, I saw the light.  Consequently, I owe you an apology.

Whether you felt my anger or not, I’m sorry for ever doubting you.  I’m sorry for being upset with you.  It’s difficult, you know?  I’m new to this, and I was only thinking about me.  Until recently, I wasn’t able to look at the problem from your perspective, but I see the truth now.

I realized that LinkedIn is a professional website!  How did I ever miss this fact?!  This means that supervisors, co-workers, and any of your other professional connections are going to see that you “Liked” my blog.  If they’re worth their salt, they’d surely trust your integrity and assume that you actually read my post before “Liking” it.  Why is this a problem?  Because if they know that you’re reading my blog, guess what they know you’re not doing?  Work!

I am so sorry for ever doubting you.  All this time I thought you didn’t actually enjoy my writing.  Now it is clear that you do, but you just aren’t ready to go public yet.  That’s cool.  I’m O.K. with that, as long as we understand each other.

In closing, let me just say one more time that I’m sorry.  Know that I never stopped liking you, even when I thought you didn’t “Like” me.  As time passes it seems like saying I was “angry” might have been too strong; it was more a general feeling of confusion.  Okay, I think your boss is beginning to suspect something, so you’d better get going.  Thank you for your time.  (For real, go!  Don’t worry about me.  From now on, I’ll just assume you “Like” every single post.)

Very Respectfully,

A Mugwump