eIfYouHaveADogYouDon’tActuallyWantAManSoGetOffTheSite-ony

Ahhh! I can’t believe I’m admitting this. I know, I know. This one is going to ruffle a few feathers. Oh well. Get over it.

To begin, my eHarmony profile reveal for today: The First Thing People Notice About Me…

I usually wear glasses with large white frames, and that my mom made me
wear braces as a child.

Isn’t that clever? Not the white glasses part (that’s just honest), but the part about good teeth. And why do people notice good teeth? Because I’m smiling a lot. Layers.

I’d date me. Apparently I’m the only one. It’s been one month of membership and not a single date.

As a reminder, eHarmony sends 10 matches and 30 more “what ifs” for your consideration each day. The matches are supposed to be just that, people who fit your criteria/settings. The “what ifs” are people that you might be a match if it wasn’t for little things like location. I haven’t had a proper “match” since day one. Even the “matches” that they tell me are matches are just “what ifs” that somehow are presented as “matches.” But they’re not matches. They all say, “So-and-so is a great match who just happens to be outside of your settings.” (To be clear–eHarmony is a crock of shit, don’t waste your money fellas.) My “what ifs” live in Oklahoma, Utah, Texas, Kansas, Arizona, Montana, Wyoming and Idaho, which I believe are all states not in or around Denver.

As with all of life’s trials and tribulations, however, I know the fault is my own. You see, one of my criteria (I don’t think it’s listed anywhere) is I don’t date women with dogs. (Or cats, but cats is due to allergies.) Why not? Because my ex left me with the $1200 dog that only she wanted in the first place, and so I was the one who got to hear H- say, “Where’d my dog go?” as we walked from the dumb friends league foyer to our car without it. Because I couldn’t stand watching the next woman I dated rearrange the furniture daily for her dog. Because I will never understand why anyone would live their life on a twelve hour leash to an animal. Because the woman I dated after her had two little shits that of course weren’t shits to her, but they were and I was supposed to be fine with them joining us on the couch. Well, I wasn’t. They’re animals. And it’s not cute or acceptable that they jump on people. Moreover, it’s maddening to watch dog owners repeat the same silly behavior endlessly as if they are in control.

But more than that, I don’t date women with dogs because they invariably and inexplicably choose the animal over the human. When given the proposition “man or dog,” they choose the dog. And that’s just wrong. “I know I never got around to having kids like I wanted, but I did get to carry little bags of warm shit every day. I mean that’s something.” Right.

As if there wasn’t enough to sift through during a relationship between adult humans, I am supposed to be fine with ten more years of your dogs jumping on me every time I come over? Fine with watching you push them down only to notice they snagged your clothing and that you now have to change outfits? Ten more years of your dogs waking us up because they have to pee even when we could have slept in? Not to mention that your car is filthy and smells. And don’t even get me started on the actual dollar amount involved in owning a dog.

I just can’t deal with the fact that such an invasive, intrusive part of a single woman’s life is something she advertises like it’s no big thing, or worse, like it’s attractive in her profile–sometimes in multiple forms. From pictures to “what I’m passionate about” to “things I can’t live without” dogs are everywhere. Go, Dog. Go!

I know, I know. Women are not wrong for liking dogs, they’re just not for me. That doesn’t mean it’s not frustrating. So I wrote about it.

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19 comments

  1. jazzynmv

    I see this sickening behavior in my roommate’s dog. Her’s. Not mine, for the record. In addition to sweeping the floor everyday because she doesn’t seem to notice the plethora of dirty hair everywhere, I’m getting the cat footprints off the toilet seat. I like animals from afar. Or to bark when someone comes near my house to scare them away. This “12 hour leash” you talk about is reason 124,515 why I do not have my own pets.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Barbara

    I don’t have pets because I am allergic and I like having a clean house free of dog or cat hair. Some people treat pets like humans and my ex husband treated his dog better than me. I agree with your post and have made the decision not to get serious over a guy with dogs or cats. Deal breaker for me.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Blue290

    No…upfront honesty is liberating. That’s why it’s called a “match”…. Good luck in your pursuit of finding her. She’s there, just playing hard to get right now.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Lucy Furr

    Women have quantities of little shits while men typically have one big shit. Either way, it’s a pile of shit.

    I don’t eliminate guys based on their pets though. I figure a guy who wants to sleep with his dog can do so in the dog house.

    And if his dog and/or the guy is annoying, they can go to obedience school. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  5. noelleg44

    Okay Pete, you really made me laugh with this one. You are nothing if not right-out-there-honest! I will proudly admit I am an animal lover and my husband, bless his soul (that’s Southern for I don’t give a crap), has put up with all our animals for years. I grew up with a dogs and multiple cats, so it’s a learned behavior, but I also have a deep soft spot in my heart for defenseless things with two neurons. I prefer cats. We only have one now after having five at one time (my mother’s, two strays who loved us,
    my son’s, and one we actually chose) and a dog that is also my son’s. She is attached to me at the ankle since our older dog died.
    Cats are independent but also riddled with allergens, so I can understand if you can’t stand sneezing and snuffling around them. My brother is like you but he takes a lot of antihistamines; he has two. Sorry to hear about e-Harmony. Maybe match.com might be more inclusive with regard to Colorado?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Pete Deakon

      You getting kickbacks from these sites? Can’t I save some money and just give up? I don’t even believe it’s possible for those sites to work, but you talked me into trying again… Once bitten twice shy at this point. Well, I’ve got five more months of eHarmony contract. Then I’m done forever. 🙂

      Like

  6. Elouise

    Hilarious! I’m with you about dogs. No way. Never. I don’t hate them. I enjoy visiting them. I just don’t love having them slobbering all over me or my house. One exception, if necessary: a trained service dog. That’s it.
    Elouise

    Liked by 1 person

  7. kbailey374

    So on the profile is it just a check mark that you make, or did you write it as an essay? Because if I was a woman without a dog (I am) and I read this on a dating site, I would think, wow, this guy is hostile! lol…
    Aren’t you also the guy who kept getting matched up w/ Christian ladies, and you’re not Christian?
    Yes by the way in my heart of hearts I really do agree w/ a lot of what you said about dogs lol. I just would never let it keep me from true love … apparently you matched up w/ some pretty poor.y behaved dogs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Pete Deakon

      This rant isn’t on the profile, just that italicized sentence about glasses and smiling. Is that sentence hostile? I hope not. Eeek. Anyhow, yes I’m the same guy that gets matched with Christian ladies, though I wouldn’t say I’m not a Christian, (I’d say I’m the best sort of Christian) I just don’t have the box checked (there is a box) that says my partner’s religion is “very important”; I have “not at all” checked. Yet even now, I got an email with 6 matches. 5 of them, not exaggerating, had Jesus or Faith or God or Jesus Christ or my religion in their “things I’m most passionate about” opening sentences. If you knew me, or even if you read this blog often, you’d know I love the discussion. I talk about it enough at least. But of all the reasons a suitor will not like me, my academic or spiritual pursuits are not one of them. So I don’t write about it on the profile. But I’ve dated a woman (two dog owner above) who was one of these “Jesus is number one” folk and she had this image of how a man should be that I saw right away just wasn’t me. So now I avoid women like that because I saw them at some of the churches I went to before settling on one I like and sometimes I saw their men and no way is that how I am. No way. Anyhow, not sure why I’m writing, except I guess to clarify if you think the white glasses line was hostile. (head down in embarrassment). lol

      Pete

      Liked by 1 person

      • kbailey374

        No, the glasses line was clever. WHICH you better watch out, women like me will respond to HAHA 🙂 Teasing … I was just worried that this essay was somewhere in your profile and I was flinching for you. (I would say that it is a good aversion for you to be clear about) – thanks Pete and hope that things work out for you!

        Liked by 1 person

  8. quiltjunkie

    Oh my! Well …. at least you’re honest. My ex claimed to *love* dogs. I was stupid enough to believe him. (I do love dogs but I also know they have their place AND I know how to train them to be socially acceptable. But I digress.) I think he poisoned the dog I had when I married him. No proof, just a suspicion. I let him pick out our next dog and then watched him mistreat the poor little thing until I couldn’t stand it any longer and found the dog a good home (nothing like watching a ginormous former offensive linebacker scare the crap [literally] out of a 30-lb Spaniel). That was a case where I should’ve been smart enough to find the man a good home, but no. I found the dog a good home and then the man found someone else. Of course I’m much better off but I still miss the dog ….. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Alex

    Why the rush Petey Pablo? I hear women aren’t going anywhere. Maybe we could get you a fine feline in lieu of a woman? Just don’t snuggle with it and you’ve side-stepped the allergy issue. I’ll bet H- wouldn’t mind.

    I appreciate your stance on animals. I often think I’d have the “life” if I was someone’s Colorado pet. They’re treated like Gods/Godesses. Case and point: my friend couldn’t hang out last week because she changed dog foods and she had to make her dog chicken ‘n rice-to calm her stomach. I no longer have a desire to hang out.

    Idea for a future post: Would you entertain the idea of getting a vasectomy for an unadulterated week or two watching March Madness?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Writingofpassage

    A very entertaining piece. I have a dog, a very large dog that may knock you on your ass when they jump on you. In dog vs man- I would choose my dog!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. jaslynhughes

    I really enjoyed reading this post. As a dog owner I was yes a bit offended but I couldn’t help but laugh at your descriptions of picking up warm poo and the ridiculous behaviours we dog owners sometimes have. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. crumpledpapercranes

    This is obviously yet another experience of mine that deviates from a lot of other people’s, but the kind of people you’re describing were the kind I observed who never really bothered to potty train their dogs. So this post kinda irked me in bringing back those memories.

    I’ll be quiet about the $1,200 dog. I’m supposed to be working on not being too judgmental and self-hating.

    Liked by 1 person

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