Because We’re Men

I don’t know what you call it. I’ve never heard a name for it. I think it’s exclusively a male thing, yet I can’t say I’ve ever asked a lady if she’s experienced it. With the advent of texting, however, this unnameable feeling previously limited to the physical realm has made its way to the digital world. And I don’t like it.

The fellas know what I’m talking about. There are moments in life. Maybe you’re standing in line together at the newest Expendables movie. Or maybe you’re both scanning the restaurant for hot-chicks-that-you-won’t-talk-to as you each reach for the salt. The setup isn’t really important. What’s important is the unexpected and new sensation on your hand. It’s heavy. It’s hairy. It’s rough. It’s another man’s hand. It’s your friend’s hand. Something about the moment causes the collision to continue until you make eye contact and only then do you both pull away. Of course the manly-man military/police/firefighter crowd, always looking to distinguish itself from its sissy-man peers, rejects this absolute refusal to touch and, usually, what starts as an inconsequential bumping of mitts becomes full-on hand-holding that is more often than not accompanied by a witty expression such as, “I don’t mind if you don’t mind.”

And I freely admit that this is a very funny moment, especially when it involves the uninitiated.

But as if texting isn’t difficult enough as is, we men are making it harder on ourselves these days. You know what I’m talking about. With women, we’re adding bogus punctuation and emoticons left and right to make sure we don’t come across as creepy or stalker or needy or rude or sexting or, well, you get the picture. 🙂 But this unnamable feeling that I get when I accidentally touch another man’s hand, well that’s the same feeling I get when I see a text from a buddy who has apparently forgotten that he’s texting a man. What is the deal with male-to-male exclamation points or smiley faces? It just feels wrong, doesn’t it? It’s weak. It’s creepy. It’s stalker-ish.

Take George and I for example. If I text something to George that is so sarcastic that he doesn’t think he gets the joke or my meaning, he simply responds like he should. He replies, “I don’t think I understand.” Because he’s a man. And then I re-attack with more consideration. Or I would maybe just reply “nm.” I might even just not reply. And yet we remain friends. I don’t think I ever have, but say I texted him something that sounded like I intended to sleep with him next time we met. Even then, he’d simply say, “Did you just ask if I would sleep with you?” Because he’s a man. Then in that situation, despite his dashing good looks and fit figure, which probably has epic stamina, I would reply, “No.” And that would be it. Because we’re men.

So fellas, please. Please pay attention from now on. When it’s me you’re texting, lose the gimmicks. Unlike the lady folk, our relationship is not dependent on proper text etiquette. Thank you.

That is all.

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8 comments

  1. helpingu2bu

    Very interesting. It sounds to me (and this is just my perspective) that men have a thing about vulnerability with other men? Like, what makes you less manly if you hold another guy’s hand? Aren’t you friends? Is it not okay to touch your friend’s hand?
    But I am a woman, so what do I know?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. dianasschwenk

    Whatever are you talking about? 😀 Are you implying that men should have separate texting practices? As if they’re at some higher level than women???!!! :p

    Just yanking your chain hahaha! 😉 ❤
    Diana xo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. noelleg44

    Okay, this was odd but funny. I’d never really considered the difference in texting before – and I do know men who use emoticons.
    Maybe men should hold hands – I do with my daughter and some friends, always did with my Mom. Bet your Dad held your hand for a while! Tempted to end this like someone else did, with a string of emoticons, but I don’t use them much. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kit

    Speaking as someone who spent years trying unsuccessfully to be one … it always interests me how much energy men expend policing the masculinity of other men.

    Liked by 1 person

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