Tagged: humor
Blog. How Else Will You Learn What You Like?
Hi there! My name is Pete Peterson. I’m a 22 year old college dropout and have been blogging for a week now. I’m so excited because I already have 15 followers, and none of them are my family or previous friends. How cool is that?
I guess I should have known that people would follow my blog. I write well and my posts are funny, smart, clever, dramatic, creative, and most importantly they display–albeit sometimes unconsciously–my desire to make money blogging.
I guess this last trait is really the one that has captured most of my follower’s attention. I never would have believed how many people know how to make money blogging. The best part is that they are very helpful. They’re willing to almost give away the secret. I know better though, than to expect anyone to give away their golden goose. It does make sense, then, that they would require a nominal fee to learn the really good stuff. I’m happy to pay it because I really do want to make money blogging.
We’re all the same, my followers and I. That’s how I learned that I love to travel. All of my willing-to-teach-others-how-to-make-money-blogging followers love to travel. Truthfully, I have never left the home town I grew up in, which is just outside Big City, USA. Just the same, I figure if all my followers love to travel, I must love to travel.
I can imagine it now. Endless beaches against a backdrop of snowcapped mountains. Large trees all around with even larger leaves. There’s probably fit young women at these locations as well. With no crummy 9-5 job to worry about, I could finally start wearing my 80s style tank tops every day, or maybe I’d wear no shirt at all. I’d probably choose to wear sunglasses most of the time, even if it didn’t make sense. I think I’d also begin to post pictures of myself too. I’d make sure to always have water in the background somewhere. I think that would be classy. Yep, I’m going to love traveling.
It’s exciting, I’ll tell you that. It’s so exciting, in fact, that I’d like to invite you to follow my blog. Do you love to travel? Do you know how to make money blogging? Then follow me! The only way to get there is together.
How To Do The Inconceivable.
(If you’re short on time, skip to the bottom for numbered instructions.)
Because it is time, that’s why. Someone needs to grab the bull by the horns and reveal the secret to accomplishing anything. The following few paragraphs are going to give you the tips you need to do anything you can conceive.
In the recent Tom Cruise movie Oblivion, T.C. and his female counterpart are two-weeks away from completing their mission on the ‘remote site’ that is Planet Earth. After the two weeks, they will return to the new human settlement with those who survived the war. Granted, the work they were doing was not in itself particularly difficult or boring. Loneliness seemed to be the biggest negative. And the dream of how life would be like in two weeks’ time kept them going.
How many of us ever thought we’d spend as much time and energy as we have to accomplish so little? How did we do it? Where did we get the strength from? Were we born with it? Even if we were born with it, we must fight the desire to victimize ourselves. Instead, as a group we need to accept total responsibility for our lives.
Where did the strength to put up with a life we never conceived come from? The strength came from believing a lie. The lie that there will be more time in the future. Break down the concept of the future a little and you’ll see why this is a lie. The future has not happened. The present is happening. The future “is not”. The present “is”. What do you gain if when you trade what “is” for what “is not”?
The future will never be. Can you understand this? The future will never “exist.” It will never “be.” That’s it’s definition. If you believe that the future is something that “will be”, then you’re no longer describing the same abstract idea that’s being discussed here, and is commonly labeled “the future.” There is no catching-up. There is no getting ahead. These are impossibilities.
I have been nearly exclusively reading the classics for almost a decade now, and a common theme is best summed up by Jon J. Muth in his children’s book, “The Three Questions”, based on Leo Tolstoy’s ideas. “Remember then that there is only one important time, and that time is now. The most important one is always the one you are with. And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For these, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world.”
The choice is always yours. If you want to do the inconceivable follow the instructions below. If you want to exist in reality, stick with living in the present.
Instructions for How to Do The Inconceivable:
Step 1 – Believe that after you’ve accomplished it, you’ll have time to do what you really want.
Step 2 – Understand that there is only one step.
A Fine Morning Indeed!
Barefoot, I journey from my bed to the cabinet containing store brand one-minute oatmeal. Still groggy, I see two silos before me. One nearing empty, the other ready to tag in at a moments notice. Will I get it right? Noticing slight wear, I reach for the one on the right. I am so good. The moment doesn’t last, as I notice something sticking to my feet. I don’t want to know. Wiping them off on my ribbed bamboo kitchen mat, I continue preparing the meal. Again, my feet feel soiled. I cannot ignore it anymore. I must vacuum. Upon placing the container on the counter, tip-toeing, I make my way to the three-season room where I keep her.
Oh the joy. I have an Oreck, see. So slender. Such a durable tangle-free chord. And light as a feather. Not that it matters; I’m a man. I’m strong. I grasp the sublimely coiled chord draped studiously from only the top hook, and in one motion the vacuum is connected to an energy source. Pausing, I’m compelled to note that even the plug seems purposefully designed. Like every time before, as if alive, the wide prong seeks its way to the left eye of the shocked face that personifies the outlet.
Decision time. This is what I live for. Rotating brush on or off? Fantasizing about surprise victory over stubborn debris that suction alone won’t pick up, I let the brush slumber a little longer.
It is smooth going at first. Plasticky popping sounds proclaim progress. Despite the apparently recent remodel of the kitchen, the lower cabinets hang just low enough to be a stumbling block. Good thing I have the edge cleaner. Horse-hair edge cleaner. I’d have it no other way. Is it going to be enough…? YES! “Got ya!,” I exclaim.
Speaking of the bamboo mat, it looks clean, but curiosity and a sordid past get the better of me. Let’s see what 102mph of suction can find. Snap, crackle, pop! No it’s not the hatted Rice Krispie gang. Instead, it is the sound of a growing fondness for such an amazing partner in life. Having returned to a state of strong purity as only bamboo can, I purposely locate myself on the mat as I direct my attention towards the last of the dried food. As I revel in the success of the chore, the clean mat warms to the temperature of a mom’s loving embrace.
“Well done son.”
If Movies Could Speak – A Letter
Dear Spoiler Alert,
As you know, it has been a while since I’ve written you. No, this isn’t a dream. Please try to pay attention. I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship. No, I’m not actually your child. I know it is difficult for you but can you be patient and hear me out? There’s something I need to tell you. No, I’m not pregnant with a demon. It’s about us. Well, actually it’s about you. No, you’re not dead. Come to think of it, I don’t know where to begin. No, the end is not the best place. Do you remember growing up? No, I’m not here to tell you your parents were actors. Do you remember your first Christmas? No, there’s no change, Santa Claus is still a fantasy.
Writing this letter is proving more difficult than I imagined. No, I’m not writing from prison. I think there is something wrong with you. No, you’re not an android. You see, when we were young… No, you were not abducted by aliens. When we were young, there was a time when you used to let me experience life for myself. No, I’m not breaking up with you. Please just continue reading. Life used to be so full of wonder. No, we are not about to be overrun by zombies. I used to laugh, get scared, and generally love my life. No, you can’t have my bike; this isn’t a suicide letter.
One day something changed. No, we still haven’t found life on other planets. I don’t remember the specifics. No, I did not just awake from a frozen sleep. I can remember a time though, when a pretty girl gave you extra attention because you knew something before everyone else. No, I’m not that girl’s daughter. Please keep reading. I have a little more I want to say. We’ve all done it. We’ve all ruined the end of a movie for someone else, at least accidentally. No, they didn’t send me to bring you in for a lobotomy. But with you it was different. You never apologized. You never changed. From that first time until now, you have been making life miserable for me. No, you didn’t infect me with the rage virus. Please just try to continue reading. Because of you I am unable to add enjoyment to life. Because of you I am unable to capitalize on life’s unpredictability. I don’t want to know what happens at the end. Can you understand that? Life isn’t about being the first to know what happens next. It is about spending time with people. Experiencing things together. No, I haven’t met someone else.
You need to know that there is no end. Do you understand? No, that’s not because our energy continually passes on to other beings. I mean to say that I think you should try living in the moment. There is no big reward for sharing what happens at the end. When I know the ending ahead of time, it doesn’t add value. Really, it only highlights your personality’s flawed nature. No, you don’t suffer from multiple-personality disorder. Ugh, I give up. No, this isn’t where I reveal that I’ve always been the bad guy. Is there nothing I can say to get to you change? Is there anyone you’ll listen to? No, this isn’t an intervention.
I hope you understand I had to try. I guess you always knew how this would end.
Your Good Friend,
Motion Pictures
.
T.C. – Top Dream Crusher
He was Top Cadet, Top Friend, Top Suburban Son, Top Forrest Boy, Top Gun, Top Bartender, Top Brother, Top Veteran, Top Car, Top Immigrant, Top Lawyer, Top Informant, Top Vampire, Top Spy, Top Spy 2, Top Spy 3, Top Spy 4, Top Spy with a Sense of Humor, Top Sports Agent, Top Freak, Top Motivational Speaker, Top Crazy Man, Top Future Cop, Top Samurai, Top Hit Man, Top Normal Guy, Top Politician, Top Director, Top Nazi Traitor, Top Rock Star, Top Ex-Cop, and most recently Top Astronaut. I can be talking about none other than the Top Actor of the World, Tom – T.C. to me – Cruise!
Just the facts: I saw Top Gun when I was 8 and went on to become a military pilot. My first anniversary out of the military occurred last year, and I figured it would be a good time to watch the movie again. It had been about 7 years since I last saw it. So much had happened in my time in the military that I was curious what I would think as I watched it again. You know what? As the movie ended, I felt like I was 8 again. I thought to myself, “Man, I can’t wait to grow-up so I can be a military pilot.” Then I realized, “Wait a minute, I’ve already done that!”
The moment that followed was singular. I realized that I don’t think I ever actually wanted to be a military pilot. I realized that all these years I actually wanted to be Tom Cruise. Or at least like him, Top Actor.
This thought terrified me. You see, recently I joined a Toastmasters public speaking club. Toastmasters is an organization that pushes people to follow their dreams. The club I am a part of is no different. Besides being overly encouraging, they are time keepers. If you tell them your goal, they will help keep you accountable. I knew that if I told any of them that I wanted to be Top Actor, they would literally start encouraging me to follow my dream to Hollywood.
Thus, I was faced with a dilemma. I joined Toastmasters to challenge myself. This was the perfect topic for a speech. However, there was no way I could share this dream of mine with this particular group of people.
Then it hit me! What if I just told them the truth?
Of all the people who make excuses for not following their dreams, I think I have the best excuse ever. I thought that maybe I could convince them that some people just shouldn’t follow their dreams. And I was one of those people.
Think about it. As a pilot, I spent 8 years perfecting my radio-call voice. You know what I’m talking about. The very monotone, betraying no emotion, professional way of speaking. Besides being monotone, a radio-call is also a strictly formatted four-part way of communicating. There is not much room for deviation from the monotone four-part format.
My thesis: I argue that even Tom Cruise himself couldn’t become Top Actor if, like me, he had to overcome 8 years of speaking in a radio-call voice and format.
And I can prove it. In order to do so, I need to take you through a few examples of how his movies would’ve sounded if he made them in a monotone, four-part radio call format.
To begin, allow me to take you back to the living room at the end of Top Sports Agent. In the movie he says, “…We live in a cynical world. A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. I love you. You… complete me.” To which Dorothy interrupts, “Shut up. (Sniff) Just shut up. You had me at hello.” Pretty powerful stuff, no? Well, let’s see what that would look like if a T.C. would’ve had my restrictions. Here goes.
*Pshh* Ahh Dorothy…This is Jerry…I’m standing in your living room and ahhh…We live in a cynical world. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …A cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …Ahhh…I love you. You complete me. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Jerry…Dorothy here…Standing in the same room…Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello. *Pshh*
I mean come on! There is NO WAY anyone would have identified with those characters or that sentiment.
I can hear some of you already. You’re saying, “Hey, wait a minute. You picked an easy one, a chick flick. I bet some of his other movies would have sounded alright.” Okay, I’ll take that bet. And I’ll raise you. Let’s jump right to a military movie. Top Lawyer. You remember it. Lt. Caffy thundering away while leading Colonel Nathan R. Jessup expertly toward admitting he ordered the CODE RED. Let’s pick it up with Colonel Jessup. He asks, “You want answers?” Lt. Caffy replies, “I think I’m entitled them.” “Yawan’answers!” “I want the TRUTH!” “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!..” And then the great speech about walls begins. Now, here’s how the scene would have played out if T.C. was a pilot.
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup here…sitting in the witness stand…Do you want answers? *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Colonel Jessup…Lt. Caffy speaking…I’m at your 11…I think I’m entitled them. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup again…still in the witness stand…Do you want answers? *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Colonel Jessup…Lt. Caffy here…I’ve haven’t moved…I want the truth. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Lt. Caffy…Colonel Jessup here…once again from the witness stand…You can’t handle the truth. *Pshh*
See? No drama. It would have been annoying. No one would have told their friends to go see Top Lawyer.
At this point, I think I’ve done enough to prove I’m right; and I should not follow my dreams. In all fairness, though, we need to come full-circle. Some of you are thinking, “Well, he seems to have a good point. Maybe he couldn’t become Top Actor. …Except that Top Gun is the movie that really put T.C. on the map, and in it he made radio-calls. So, no, I won’t let him off the hook, his theory is destroyed by Top Gun.” I respond, “Is it?” Do you really believe that the radio calls are what made that movie? We all know what made that movie and transformed Tom Cruise from Top Forrest Boy into Top Actor. The bar scene. “You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your li-i-ips.” Goose takes over, “There’s no tenderness like before in your feeengerrti-i-ips.” Back to TC, “You’re trying hard not to show it…” Entire bar. (It’s appropriate to join in wherever you are right now, too.) “BAYYY-BEE!” “But baby! Believe me, I knoooow i-it…” And on and on. A scene like that spawns a career. Here’s how it would look radio-call style.
*Pshh* Ahh Pretty blonde woman…Maverick here…at your six…you never close your eyes anymore… BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …when I kiss your lips. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Blondie…Goose speaking…at your eleven…There’s no tenderness like before…BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …In your fingertips. *Pshh*
*Pshh* Ahh Blonde woman… Maverick again…I’m the one at your 12 o’clock…You’re trying hard not to show it…BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …baby. BREAK *Pshh* … *Pshh* …But baby, believe me I know it. *Pshh*
Whew! Need I say more? Need-I-Say-More? Terrible. I’m bored writing this. “Tom who?” That’s what you would say to me if he had made his movies the way I have had to speak for the last 8 years.
There you have it, proof positive that some people shouldn’t follow their dreams. I am one of those people. Are you? Are you you holding on to any dreams that need to be given up? I find my answers in the movies. Maybe you will to. It’s like in the movie Lion King when Rafiki tells adult Simba that to discover his destiny he needs to, “Look hahhhder.”
Captain’s Log 